Friday, December 3, 2010



My love.

I am lucky.

I am lucky I have you.

You’ve helped me grow.

I am better because I know you.

You have brought so much joy into my life.

You’ve made me cry but made me laugh even more.

You have taught me patience and understanding through example.

You help me to see the little joys of life and remind me what’s important.

Just when I think I couldn’t possibly love you anymore you show me a way to.

I love that look you give me that says, “I love you” without any words.

I feel protected with you, like you won’t let anything harm me.

There is no one I would rather spend every minute with.

It’s definitely a bonus that you are beautiful.

You have the same desires as me.

You make me happy.

I love you.


Monday, November 22, 2010

People...It's About People.

"The friendship that can cease,
was never real to begin with." -Unknown

I read that quote once in high school, and for whatever reason, it stuck with me through the years.

Perhaps because I always wondered if it was true. Perhaps because it made me never want to find out if it was.

As a good friend once told me, relationships with people are truly the most important things in life. I believe that with all my heart. As long as you care about others and have people that care about you, you can go on.

People bring you down only to teach you lessons; and you get right back up again. You learn how to avoid such a hard fall next time.
People judge you only to let you know how it feels - so you think twice before doing it to another.
People lie to you only to make you figure out the truth the hard way. Not everything can be easy, after all.
People steal from you only because they need it more; whatever it may be.
People don't forgive you, only to make you try harder to apologize. Actions speak louder than words.
People disappoint you only to make you yearn to make others proud.
People forget you, perhaps, let them.

I want to make an impact on PEOPLE. A positive impact, on every person I meet. I don't want to be that friendship that can cease. I want to be that person who lifts his burden so he can rest a while; or who carries her across the street because it's obvious she's hurt. I want to make that crusty-faced, impatient waitress laugh; and temporarily forget about the awful day that caused her awful mood. I want to get to know the bus drivers I see every morning and afternoon for only 30 seconds at a time. I want to forgive easily because I know from first-hand experience that people are bound to make mistakes.

I'm always going to have to strive to be this person. I will forget, or move too fast, or fail, but I will always try again.

I want to be open-minded.
After miss so much when you only stare straight ahead.


Thursday, November 18, 2010

Things that make me Happy

1. Sam
2. My roomies
3. Kenna
4. Mattie
5. Dancing
6. Singing
7. Exercising
8. Family
9. Showering
10. Love
11. Listening
12. Talking
13. Laughing
14. Eating
15. Sunshine
16. Swimming
17. Sex
18. Reading
19. Watching movies
20. Walking at the park
21. Puppies
22. Baking
23. Modern family
24. Birthdays
25. Flowers
26. Babies

Things that don't make me happy
1. Being out of time to continue with things that do make me happy.

Friday, November 12, 2010


Written by Ingrid Michaelson

Baby, you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
And baby, you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me this early morning
That my love's too big for you my love

Baby, you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Baby, you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me
My loves too big for you my love
My loves too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Tell me what to do, to take away the you

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no.
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Love and Marriage

Sam might kill me for doing this because we aren't officially engaged but we have selected a wedding date and since I have been planning my wedding since I was 10 you can imagine what has been on my mind non-stop. The fact that I now work at a bridal store doesn't help either :-)

For most brides the process of getting engaged, planning the wedding and the actual wedding is exciting. I know it isn't all laughs and smiles and it does get stressful BUT when you have a family who fully supports you it's a lot easier. I know lesbians aren't the only ones who struggle with family support and some lesbians have a family who are all about a wedding. This is mine and Sam's blog so it will be about our experience.

I am in love with Sam. Sam and I getting married in Utah doesn't make us legally married or change anything a
bout the appearance of our relationship. In fact, the majority of people will choose not to recognize us as married. Sam and I want to get married to celebrate our love, our commitment to each other and bring together our friends and family and show them exactly that.

Sam and I have talked for a long time about telling our families. We finally did and were pleasantly surprised by some and extremely shocked at others reactions. We were as prepared as we could be to hear how people felt about it. I am more than happy to hear how people feel but I can't handle the family gossip. The "he said she said" makes me livid! I respect how you feel, come talk to me and I promise to listen.

There have been marriages in my family that other family members haven't agreed with but there was never a question if they would attend the wedding or not. I hate that people need to think about it. I must say that I knew the biggest issue of our families attending our wedding would be that they don't support our lifestyle and by them attending will show exactly that. Of course I want my family to support my lifestyle but I know that they don't and probably never will but I expect them to be at my wedding. Why? Because they love me. I'm their sister and their daughter.
In rereading what I have written so far I'm afraid I sound ignorant and stupid quite frankly. I'm leaving it because it is how I feel and I want to explain something. I understand from growing up in the LDS religion how important the LDS values are to active members. I know having a gay member of your family isn't something anyone wants. Being invited to your gay sister/daughters' wedding is something you need to think about. I have my good days and bad ones, today is just an impatient one. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Also, I really do appreciate those who have been so great about the news and it has brought tears to my eyes at the unconditional love they have shown.

Sam, I love you. You are my best friend and the love of my life. I cannot wait for October 8th when we can celebrate our love with our family and friends.


Saturday, October 23, 2010

Let's Catch Up...

Our big trip to Seattle and Alaska was amazing. We spent time with my amazing Aunt Cheri and Uncle Dale, seeing Dutch Town, and Her Town :), and had lots of laughs - especially during Catch Phrase. Then we went to the outlet and downtown Seattle with my big brother and his family. We wandered through Pike's Market and experienced the organic ice cream of Molly Moon's.
Sunday morning came, and my brother dropped us off at Pike's again so we could go through it more thoroughly, and we got some lunch and ate it by the pier. I hadn't planned on telling Elise yet, but I saw our ship and knew it was the perfect time. I grabbed her passport from my bag and said "That's our ship." She immediately laughed and said, "Nu-uh...are you serious? Because if this is a joke, it's really mean!" We then sat down and discussed details and both couldn't wait to get onboard!
The ship was full of retirees, but we didn't care! We had a blast and met lots of wonderful people. We explored Juneau, Ketchikan, Skagway, Glacier Bay, and Victoria B.C., Canada. The first and last on that list were our favorites. In Juneau we hiked to Mendenhall Glacier, Ketchikan brought us a relaxed evening on the balcony of Elise's new favorite Mexican restaurant, Skagway provided plenty of salmon to observe, Glacier Bay was full of - what else? Gorgeous glaciers. And then Victoria B.C. was a place we could totally see ourselves living in. We had an incredible dinner there at Pagliacci's (which I'd recommend to anyone going to Victoria), and had to get back on the ship all too soon.
Coming home was bittersweet because my girl and I love to travel, but life is good, and we've adjusted nicely. Elise is now a bridal consultant, selling wedding gowns and lllloving it! I love my job more and more each day, those kids teach me how to love and have patience better than anyone.
We went horseback riding, courtesy of my friend, a few days ago and had a very fun time, despite Elise's allergic reactions to the horse hair, Cash stepping on her foot and almost breaking her toe, and the middle of her bra snapping in half as she dismounted the horse. Ha! Poor Weese.
We had our own little picnic a few days ago at our favorite park, which is something we should do more often. And last night, my sister came for a visit, which brought good discussions and lots of laughs. She and I played the 80s game, Commercial Crazies, then went to sushi when Elise got home, then gelato at Dolcetti where we talked for forever. Then we went home to the boys and laughed some more as we used Sam's phone to reverse our voices, which is always entertaining. My one regret is only taking ONE picture that whole night. I love my sister, it was really nice to get some quality time with her.-Sam

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Life is Good

I went to bed last night around 2am and continued to let my thoughts keep me awake.

When I couldn't sleep last night I saw the kitchen light come on upstairs just before midnight, I immediately jumped out of bed so excited someone else was still awake. There was Taylor preparing the coffee maker so he couldn't get in trouble again for not fulfilling his duty. Ü

We began to talk about what was bothering me and causing me to not be dreaming at that very moment. The majority of it was work related, worried about letting people down and other things not working out. We talked about other issues in each others' lives. We moved into the living room because we could tell this conversation would not be ending shortly. We continued to try to solve the huge crisis' we face in our lives and it slowly developed into more serious conversation.

Without going into too much detail (only because it makes me emotional and I'm not in a good place to let that happen) we talked about the struggles going on in India. He talked about one of the classes he is currently in and as we sat there at 1 in the morning he educated me on something I had known nothing of. As cliche as this sounds, suddenly my problems became a lot less important.

It was like my soul Elise told my body Elise, "You aren't that important."

I worry way too much about how I am going to affect people, but when it comes down to it people only really care about themselves. Even bigger than that there ARE bigger problems in this world than mine. It was just another ah-ha moment I needed to have.

I am a very lucky person. I have a life partner who couldn't possibly make me any happier, good friends, good family...I feel like that should be followed with great food but I'll skip it. I am a happy person, a very happy person.


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Just A Smidgen, Relating To Religion

I'm the kind of person who wants to please everyone. I know that's not possible. When I contemplated being with Elise for three and a half long years, I always wanted to please everyone but myself. Ok, I won't be with her, for all of you. Ok, I'll be with you for you. Finally, after a lot of painful lessons, I learned that I, myself, wanted to be with Elise. I loved her deeply, like I had never loved anyone before, and there was no more denying or postponing that. So, we moved in together last August 15th, and haven't looked back since. But I disappointed a lot of people that I care a lot about.
"Do what's right for YOU," is advice I was often told when people learned of others' uncomfortable feelings about me. The problem is, there's not just one "right" for me. I want to make my parents and siblings proud, I want to give Elise the world, I want to stand for what I believe in, I want to love those who hate me, I want to serve selflessly. I guess doing all those things at once IS possible, but only in certain ways; never fully.

My family will always love me, and even be proud of most things I accomplish in my life, but there will always be the fact that I'm with a girl. Elise will always be there for me, but will always worry when I'm in quiet, contemplative moods. My spirituality and belief in God will always exist fully inside me, but not be shown in the same ways as growing up. I will always TRY to be patient and loving to those I don't get along with, but I will always think thoughts or say things I shouldn't. I will always try to find ways to serve, but there will always be times when I get lazy and skip out on deserving projects. Win, win situations never stay that way.

But it doesn't mean we shouldn't strive for them anyway. I know there are quite a few people in my life who disagree with the path I've chosen. And that's okay. I respect that. No one ever has to support, condone, or even like that I am with another girl, but I am. And most importantly, I'm still me. Talking about no one in particular - does it make you better than me to avoid contact with me now that you know I'm gay? (It's complicated, so I'm just saying "gay" even though I just love people) Does it make you unclean if you touch me? Or will it rub off on your baby if I hold them? Does it make you better than me if you pray for me to "change" every night, but yet give me cold stares and avoid really talking to me? If I sound bitter, I guess I am at the moment. But in reality, I know I'm fortunate and blessed. I have so many wonderful people in my life that do still love me, and a lot who my path didn't make an ounce of difference to. All of my family and Elise's make constant effort to understand and love us, even though they don't support "us". And I hope they all know how much I appreciate that.

I am...a girl. A daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, aunt, cousin, and friend. I love acting, basketball, drawing, eating, traveling, reading, writing, organizing, scrapbooking, hiking, and learning. I don't shave my legs nearly enough, but it's blonde hair so I don't care. I like to be clean. I like puppies and horses. I love desserts, mashed potatoes, pasta, chocolate, and sushi. I don't drink or do drugs, and can honestly and proudly say nothing of that sort has ever even touched my lips. I don't care what others do as long as they're good people and can positively effect me in any way. I love to listen. I love to make people laugh. I eventually want to travel the world, and serve in as many different places as possible. I love my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I believe in them just as strongly as I ever have, and always will. I try not to hold grudges. I try to learn from my mistakes, and not only never make them again, but do other things even better to one-up my mistakes. I am human. I definitely make mistakes a lot; but that's part of what makes life so interesting.

If you've known me most of my life, or if you just met me; please...keep all of those things in mind when thinking of me. Not that I'm making a choice you'd never make. Love me for me.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Little Things...

I love Sam.

She is so perfect for me. We are going to Seattle in less than 2 days! Every once in a while she'll do something big for me but it's the little things that I love the most.

I am a morning person but not a 5:30 morning person. I have a tough time getting up for work so I usually leave myself with 20 minutes to get ready and then I'm in a rush. Often times I don't have time to eat breakfast and even worse I don't pack a lunch. I work 10 hour days so it's not easy to go all day without eating. Everyday this week Sam has got up with me and made me a lunch. It has made my week that much easier.

She goes to the gym everyday with me even if she doesn't want to.

She talks to me while she lays in bed in the morning on my way to work so I don't fall asleep.

She shares her very favorite candybar with me without a second thought. (and she hates to share)

She lets me talk her ear off and she actually listens.

She helps me watch my neices and nephews after a long day of work when she is pooped.

She gives me extra kisses and loves on my bad days.

Did I mention, she makes me laugh harder than anyone could ever try?

I love Sam.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Happy Birthday!

22 years ago my little sister was born. I'm sad to say I hate where we are now but I would rather talk about the previous years because today is a good day, a celebration of her life.

Frankie Jill was the sweetest child. Sure, most children are sweet but she didn't have anything bad to say. She was friends with everyone. She had friends of every shape and color. She was friends with the disabled and the geeks. Frankie LOVED to talk. She would strike up a conversation with anyone, stranger or not. I feel like I owe me being out going as an adult to her. I was extremely shy as a kid but I had just as many friends as Franks because everywhere we went she would pull me around and say, "I'm Frankie and this is my big sister Elise!" She always made sure I had friends and was included. When I reached 3rd grade I was just as loud and talkative as she was.

When high school came around I was so excited to share my senior year with my sister at the same school. I went to lunch with her as often as she'd let me and we'd hang out sometimes on the weekends. Frankie and I just had a good time together. We would laugh until we cried and only fought on occasion. We were really close in high school.

Frankie is like my little baby in a way. I feel this need to take care of her. I have a hard time with her growing up...I know she can do great things and I want her to fulfill whatever her purpose is on this earth and nothing less. I have so many days when I just want to go to her house and pick her up. I want to turn on the music and drive until I'm out of gas. I was to listen to her, I want to understand.

Frankie Jill is one of my very favorite people. She has had a lot of experience in these short 22 years and I'm glad to have been apart of it. She truly is amazing.

I love you, Little Sister.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

The Monster Inside Me

As I write this with tears ready to burst through the floodgates for no good reason, I'm looking at my sweet girlfriend laying in bed, on her side with only her right leg outstretched over the bedspread. This is probably the first time she's slept in - in weeks.
I am emotional right now, not only because I'm receiving my annual visit from Aunt Flo, but also because I get short waves of depression, usually based on life-happenings. I'm a happy person, I am aware of all the wonderful things I've been blessed with, and the amazing people I'm lucky to have in my life. But this monster inside me refuses to leave for good. Most of the time he sleeps (although I'm sure Elise would argue that), but when he does wake, I become a different person. I've never wanted medication because I've never felt it was often enough to prescribe, but he's coming around a lot lately, and I feel it's because I'm enticing him myself.

What is my deal?

I seem to ask myself that a lot lately. When I'm depressed, I shut down, become quiet, I'm sure everyone knows the routine, but most of all, I become a jerk to the love of my life. I lash out on her the most, probably because I know she'll still love me when my monster retreats. But there's no excuse, I want her to know I'm sorry. I have an imagination that wanders and invents a hundred stories for every one reality. The things my mind comes up with scare me, and make me worried and paranoid about things I shouldn't worry about.

Trust and Honesty are at the top of my list of qualities I want for myself, and in my significant other. Elise - you have that, and everything else on the list of my dream person. You're all I could ask for and more. We'll blame it on the period that I'm crying now, just thinking about how lucky I am, but please know that I know. I know I have the girl everyone wants.
I apologize for every time I've let my monster get the best of me, and every time he will in the future. Please stick with me. Be patient. We've gotten through worse, and will continue to fight life's battles hand in hand. I love you, Elise. So much more than I can ever explain in words. Always.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Sky

Sometimes people (including my very own girlfriend) think I get a little overzealous when it comes to natures beauty. When I see a colorful sunset I have no other way to describe it other than making ooooing and ahhhing sounds and repeating again and again how beautiful it is. It sounds a bit annoying I know, but it only lasts for a short moment and I don't want anyone to miss it. Sunsets are my absolute favorite. Of course I would love to be on the beaches of Hawaii watching the sunset but I have NEVER seen a sunset like the ones here in Utah. I don't know if it's the pollution or the lake but something makes it different, more colorful.

I also love the sunrises...if I'm up early enough to see them. As much as I complain about getting my butt out of bed at 4:30 am Wednesday mornings it becomes worth it when I see the bright pink sky. Ah! I love it! It has been far too long since I have woken up early by choice to see the sunrise. That's pretty sad.

I also have to mention the night sky. I was in Bear Lake last week and was lucky enough to see the crazy stars a few of the nights. I actually saw my first 2 shooting stars in one night! They're so damn fast I couldn't even make a wish. I love the night sky away from the city lights, unreal.

I am a person who tends to get caught up in little, stupid, unimportant things and let them get to me. I worry until I pass out. When I can start a morning with a bright sunrise, end the day with a colorful sunset and those times I'm lucky enough to see the starry sky at night before my head hits my pillow my life seems much more at ease.

Thank you sky and whoever it is that makes it so beautiful.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

One Year & Counting!

My girl and I celebrated our one year mark of living together (as a couple) on August 15th. Woo! It went by fast, and I couldn't have asked for a better person to share my life with, let alone my closet space with. :) Baha. Weese, even though you often leave your clothes scattered on the floor in your early morning rush to get to work, I still love living with you. We balance each other out so well, and our decor styles are so similar. You will always be my favorite person, best friend, and soulmate. I love you!!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Sam's Movie Debut

Well, I just took a huge step toward my dream of acting. I had my first speaking role in a feature film, and I had a blast. You won't be seeing it in theatres, but I don't even care; it was a great learning experience and I met some of the most amazing people.

I saw the audition notice on craigslist and went to the Salt Lake Library after work one evening to perform a monologue and chat with the directors. I met Gabi first as she helped me sign in, and then my beautiful, supportive girlfriend came to help calm my nerves. I walked into the ceiling-less room and sat down in front of three swell gentlemen, Mike, Keith, and Derek. They made me feel immediately comfortable and at ease with some get-to-know-you questions and a few short stories. I performed my oh-so-dramatic monologue and then Derek filmed me telling my life story in a nutshell. We all got along well, and not long after, they e-mailed me inviting me to play a part in their film.

They had/have 4 short weeks to cast, write, film, and edit this feature, and they're well on their way. My character is named Junie, which is fitting, considering my middle name is June and Junie is a beloved nickname from my oldest sister. I pick up the lead man on the side of the road and give him a ride to his destination. Through conversation we find that I know his sister, and the movie continues with him and his 3 siblings going on a journey to find their missing father. I am in the last scene as well, giving him a ride back home, and I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Film is definitely different than theatre, and although both have their pros and cons, the stage will always be my first love. I have a new outlook on movies, and don't think I'll ever be able to watch them the same way again, considering I've seen more of how they're done. Intimate moments of just two people on the screen will now appear to me as: the camera man behind them, the sound guy behind him, and the director next to him. All cozy as can be.

I had a blast being a part of this movie, filming near the salt flats, and in Evanston, Wyoming. The people involved couldn't have made me feel more welcome, and thank you also to my girl for coming with me to Wyoming! Hopefully I'll have many more movies to report on in the future.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Not quite ready

Okay, so I wasn't ready. I shouldn't have asked the question that brought me to this anger and frusteration. I was talking to a co-worker today and he had a few questions about mine and Sams' relatiationship. He is very LDS but has seemed pretty open minded so I thought I'd ask him a question. "What would you do if one of your kids was gay?" I don't want to go into everything he said because it makes me so livid it makes me want to cry. Basically he would blame his parenting skills and hope to help them become "normal." I had to bite my tongue. I had so much to say but I knew we had already crossed the line of a discussion that should be had at work. As of this moment in time I would move out of Utah tomorrow. I know there are ignorant people everywhere but the numbers seem much higher here. I can't handle it. I hear other people talk (such as my roommates) and they seem to have more of an understanding for people and their low tolerance for anything different than themselves. I thought I was there with them but today's reality made me realize I'm not. I'm upset and annoyed.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Assuming makes an ass out of you and me...or less money in your pocket...

A very dear friend of mine told me a something that happened to her a couple of weeks ago and I got a kick out of it. I thought I would share it with you to either make you laugh or to open your eyes a little bit. My friend is tall, beautiful and bald. Before you start assuming she is going through treatments and has a terminal illness I will tell you she is perfectly healthy. Oh and no, she isn't just one of those girls who shaves her head. She actually has alopecia. This is when someone loses their hair. She has eyelashes, eyebrows and a strip of hair that grows on her shin. She does get a little peach fuzz if she comes to Utah at the right time of year.

One night she and her friend who also has alopecia were out to Applebee's for dinner with her friend's family. When they asked for their check the waitress told them someone had covered the meal. The people on the other table thought they had cancer...What was my friend's view on this? "Yes! A free meal!" I got a kick out of this. I hope you like it too. Ü

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

To the BEST girlfriend in the world!

Sam made my birthday so wonderful this year! She knows me so well. I love birthdays to extend longer than just the actual day. She not only got me one of my favorite movies and some clothes but a trip to Seattle!!! I'm so excited! If you are aware of this trip you should know that I have NO idea what we're doing there. I just know we are going and the rest will be a surprise when I get there. Thanks Sam for another great birthday!
I have been SUPER stressed this week and Sam is the perfect girlfriend for it. She puts up with me and just holds me and listens. She is actually a really great problem solver if I would only take her advice. Please continue to be patient with me babe.
I don't know who all you suckers are with but I truly am the luckiest!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

This Doesn't Make Me A Stalker

I had to walk to the store today, I just had to. The sun was mocking me through my window, screaming for me to bask in it.
As I reached a crosswalk, while waiting for the hand to turn into a person, the guy in front of me, gave me a quick glance and a half smile. As we began walking, I normally would have kept my eyes to the ground, so as not to seem creepy, in case this guy had eyes in the back of his head. But today, I happened to stare as I strolled. He had a steady stride while listening to his iPod through his old school headphones. The thick, black rope of a leash was coiled around his right hand several times, leading to the neck of his faithful black lab; while an iced mocha in a clear plastic cup was held from the top in his left. His shoes had tears and holes as if to say they had been put to good use, and his feet leaned slightly inward with each step, just like my Elise. I could see the tanline on the back of his calves as he kept his pace, with dark blue jeans, cut off at the knees. Mosquito bite on the back of his right calf. I hate mosquito bites. His keys were linked to his belt loop by a blue carabiner; the kind that says NOT FOR CLIMBING, just like my purple one. A single keychain - IRELAND - with the flag behind the writing, hung among his keys. Has he been to Ireland? Does he have Irish blood? Is it his dream place to visit? He wore a yellow T-shirt, and just barely under each sleeve were tattoos that poked out when his arms swayed. He also had a tattoo of a comic book-esque lightning bolt on his right forearm. Did his tats have meaning? Or were they purchased after one too many bottles of Beer? Did he regret getting any of them? His arms were thin, his elbows slightly darker than his arms; I could see a vein going down his left forearm. So many men have thick veins sticking out of their arms. His hair was shortly trimmed in back, slightly longer in front; dark brown. The back, bottom part of his hair had a hardly noticeable knick in it, almost as if the razor had been knocked while trimming. I couldn't tell if it was a hairdresser mistake, or just his hairline. His sideburns were more like Wolverine chops, but not quite as thick.
After my three blocks of observing, he finally led his dog right, down Park Avenue. I continued gaily forward and wondered if he turned to get away from his potential stalker, or if his destination truly lay down Park Avenue. I'll never know. And I'll most likely never see him again. But I'm glad I took notice; it made my walk quicker and more interesting. It gave my brain a chance to ask questions and imagine possible answers. I hope to take such intense interest in everything put before me from now on. I'm sure life will become more colorful.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Why can't I just be gay?!

I am envious of those gay people who can be gay. I know I'm in a relationship with a girl and our friends and family know about us, but why can't I be a little braver? I'm not ashamed to be with Sam and I don't think it's wrong. I'm not saying we need to show people we're gay by being affectionate in public and shouting it to the world. Every time I run into an old friend and I'm asked if I'm dating someone I answer in one of two ways.

#1 Ya, so how is it living downtown? (quick subject change).
#2's complicated. (It's not complicated at all! It's actually very clear!)

Also, when I first meet someone I'm scared to tell them I'm dating a girl. Again, when asked if I'm seeing someone. The thing is, I'm not "dating" anyone. I'm living with her and she is my companion, my partner or whatever you want to call it.

I think the issue is I'm afraid of making them feel uncomfortable or how they will feel about me after. Quite honestly if they don't want anything to do with me for being gay then I don't want them in my life anyway. I need to "grow a pair" and let other people know how happy I am. By not telling I feel like it's saying I'm ashamed to be with Sam or ashamed to be gay. I'm not. I know time makes it easier but I'm wondering if anyone has a good book to recommend or anything to help me out.


Saturday, July 10, 2010

I am me...

It's 10:30pm on the dot. I'm usually tucked into bed by now because I'm so anxious that I have to wake up at 5:30 for work. (My roommates like to mock me and call me the grandma of the house.) Sam is usually trying to calm my fears of having too many check outs or dealing with angry guests. It's funny I've worked my job for over a year now and I must say I'm pretty good at it, but my anxiety hasn't lessened much. Sam is at the drive-in with the Jenkins' and that is why I am wide awake making a post.

I had to evaluate myself tonight on my drive home because I have grown dependant all over again. When Sam and I first met it was rare to see us without each other. We were inseparable. We loved being together and it's hard for me to admit but it was a little unhealthy. I'll probably never admit to that again - maybe because it was the words her mom repeated daily or because I see it coming back.

I have been sick all day. All I wanted was Sam. I wanted her to be home to force me to gargle hot salt water, make me stay in bed and tickle my back. She was at work so I was counting down the minutes when I could finally have her to myself! My brother's surprise party was tonight so the plan was for me to go to that and then for her to drive out after her costume fitting and make it for the end of the party. It was kind of silly for her to drive all the way out to Ogden but she really wanted to be there so she was going to do it. I kept telling her, "No, it's okay really. I'll just see you when I get home." Inside I was pleased when she kept saying she would make the drive. I got a call from her when I was blocks away from the party, " We got an invite to go to the drive-in with the Jenkins'. It was clear I wasn't going to make it when they wanted to be there at 8:30 and the party didn't started until 7 in Ogden. Sam was going to go without me.

This probably wouldn't be a big deal to anyone else but to me it was awful. I had the entire night's plan made up in my mind (this is VERY typical of me). I was upset. I didn't answer her calls for a number of reasons. 1. I wanted to show her I was upset. 2. I didn't want to cry. 3. I didn't want to make her feel guilty and not go have fun with her family by saying something stupid.

This was a big problem for me. I'm not talking about the fact she went to the movie because quite honestly it doesn't even matter anymore. The problem is I am right back were I used to be. I discussed this with my roommates when I got home. It was about a year ago that I overcame (or thought I did) all of this. I grew into an independent woman. I didn't have Sam around and the person I was seeing gave me very little of their time. Although those months were a trying time in my life I grew more than I ever have. When Sam and I moved in together I noticed things like this didn't bother me and I was okay with going to bed alone at night.

I am back exactly where I used to be.

It's time for change.

I am me.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Fam Damily

Well, I guess it's about time I dedicated a post to two of the most important groups of people to me: my family and hers. I'll start with Elise's.
Throughout my whole life, honesty has been #1 on my list of traits I want to have and want from others. I hate lying, lies, anything of the sort, it always gets you in trouble. Have I lied before? Yes. Do I regret those times? Definitely. The first lie I can remember telling was when I was in elementary school, maybe 3rd grade. My friend's little brother had one of those bendy toothbrushes that you were SUPPOSED to be able to bend every which way and it would be fine. So I tested it. It snapped in half. Stupid, cheap toothbrush. A couple hours later, this little boy found his precious toothbrush in ruins, and cried to his mommy. She asked his sister and me if we knew what happened. "No, I don't know..." I said with cottonmouth and a sick stomach. I couldn't breathe the rest of the day. I'm not sure how long I waited before I ended up crying to their mom and telling her it was me, but the relief was so sweet. From then on, every lie I ever told, that toothbrush memory haunted me, and I always ended up telling the truth. Now that I'm older, I realize how damaging lying is to begin with, so I just don't do it.
When I met Elise and things eventually began happening between her and me, lying made it's way back into my life. Not lying, necessarily, but not telling the WHOLE truth. Which, to some, is just the same. She and I both lived for a long time keeping our secret, not because we wanted to hurt anyone, but because we were terrified. Scared of what people would think, of hurting our loved ones, of going to Hell, of being separated, and so on. I lived with her parents when things were going on, and because of my living there, some members of Elise's family strongly disliked me for betraying their parents and using them, which I can guarantee was not my intention. We tried so hard to just be friends, to ignore our feelings for each other. I loved her family, and didn't want to abuse their generosity to me. I realize that that is what I did, to an extent, even though I never MEANT to. I regret hurting them more than they'll ever know. Once the truth came out to her whole family, things were difficult for some time. I wasn't looked at or talked to for a while. I deserved it. Her amazing, understanding, kind parents forgave me first. I put them through a lot, and yet they welcomed me into their home and fed me meals, and made conversation with me. They will never know how much their kindness meant to me. The sisters came around next, and forgave me. They would talk to me at dinners and not avoid eye contact. Now, they are some of my favorite friends. The brother and brothers-in-law were harder on me. Cold and unforgiving at first, which I hated but understood. Each of them had their own reasons to avoid me, and I would often cry to Elise about how much I wish I could clear things up and make them see that I never meant to hurt or wrong anyone. After many family outings, each of them came around at different times and in different ways. Some would simply make eye contact with me again, others would start conversations, and my favorite - they began joking around with me again. I didn't care how long it took, when each of these family members allowed me back into their lives, I grew inside more and more. My capacity to forgive others and to be welcoming to all has grown because of how Elise's family showed me. I love each of them more than they can ever know, and am grateful to them.
Now for mine. I know this is long, and perhaps no one will ever read it all through, but it's helping me to type it all out. Mom and Dad: I came to you guys when this all began, and Dad gave spiritual advice while Mom held me and we cried. You both asked questions, did research, tried to understand, and tried to help me in the way you thought was best. I am so grateful for your love. Now you both know I'm serious about Elise, and that even though I no longer attend church, I have a deep love, respect, and connection to the LDS gospel. You are respectful of that. Mom still gives me speeches about my lifestyle and how she worries, and church talks, but not as much, and it just shows me how much she loves me. She just pushes me her way because it's what she believes is right, and I respect that more than she knows. Mom has come a very very long way with her relationship with Elise. She used to not be able to be in the same room as Elise, but has tried so hard to get past that, and now can have quite a fun time with her and me. Mom, I know you don't support our relationship, you never will, but I hope you know it means the world to me just that you are kind to Elise. You give us food, holiday gifts, you welcomed Elise for Christmas, you welcome us into your home, it all means the world to both of us. Dad- you may have had a tough time with this at first, but you were always open-minded and respectful. You only gave advice when I asked for it, and I always knew you were there. You've developed a great friendship with Elise, she adores you, and we both love our conversations and memories with you. I know where you stand religiously as well, but you don't push that on us, and I appreciate it. I have been extremely blessed with two incredible parents who I love more than life. Thank you.
C & B: The oldest sister and her husband. Such open-minded people, who I am grateful to be related to. C - you didn't even really cry when I told you about my feelings for Elise. You just nodded your head and listened. You didn't look angry or disappointed, even if you were. Your arms were open and you've been there for me ever since. You're always the first one I go to and I love talking with you. You always have great advice, you're not afraid to state your opinion, and you're always welcoming and friendly. I love that about you. B - you never judged us. You said you had made mistakes in the past, and weren't one to judge others. I appreciate your non-judgemental attitude and how nice you are to Elise and me. We've had fun times with you two and my adorable nephew, and can't wait for more. My sisters are my best friends, and I'm grateful for you.
L & M: I lived with you guys when my relationship with Elise was finally becoming more. In fact, it was in my tiny bedroom downstairs in your house that I most often sobbed my eyes out and prayed for answers and wrote pros & cons lists nonstop. You both tried to help me through it when I was undecisive, and after your time of grieving, you've both been respectful and loving to Elise and me, even though you don't agree with it. L - I'll never forget how you risked everything for me that one dramatic night, to save me from getting kicked out. And M - I completely understand why you did it. It was too stressful for you guys to have to worry about me, and I'm sorry for all I put you through. My sister, even though you constantly make fun of me, it's so obvious how much you love me, and our friendship means the world to me.You both have always cared about me and I know M always expected to interview and have to approve some great guy for me, so it was quite a shock for me to be with a girl. You're both incredible people who I adore and thank you for always being there for me. We love being able to joke around with you guys, play games, and have great conversations. Tap, tap, tap.
A & K: our relationship is still growing. You guys have had the hardest time with this, and I can understand that. Everyone has different views and needs, and sometimes people just don't agree on things. That's ok. We're family. We always will be. I appreciate how far you both have come as far as trying to understand us, and being more comfortable around us. I know it's a constant struggle, and I'll always have open arms to you both and your adorable son, who I love more than words can say. I know we don't agree on some things, but so far we're still making efforts to understand each other, and effort is always good. A- you're my brother. You hold a special place in my heart, and always will. It kills me to think about how much our close friendship has changed, but I'm happy that you're still there. You mean so much to me, and I hate knowing you're disappointed in me, but I hope you see how happy I am. I am grateful that you guys are kind to Elise, and that you recognize she is a great person. I know it's our relationship that bothers you, not us as individuals, and for now, I'll take what I can get. Thank you for continuing to try, and for being a part of my life still. You could have easily never spoken to me again, or other harsh things, but you haven't. I'm grateful for that. I love you guys and hope sooner than later, that we can develop a closer relationship.
Aunt C - the best Aunt in the world! I was afraid to tell you about my relationship, because I had no clue what your feelings about the subject were, but you didn't even bat an eyelash. You made sure I knew that you loved me just as much as always, and you asked questions to get a better understanding. You're great to Elise, and you continue to spoil me. You're the Aunt I hope to be to my own nieces and nephews, and I've learned so much from you through the years. You love people unconditionally, and always are giving to others. I love you with all my heart. :)
Well, my fingers are tired now. This post was mostly for me. I needed to express my love for family. I am truly blessed with the people in my life. I encourage everyone to never give up when it comes to family. No matter what they're doing in life, never let them go. I love you guys.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Little bit of venting...

I need to vent. I cannot handle ignorant people. I have such a short tolerance for them it's ridiculous. I mean ignorant people who have no desire to hear others opinions or even listen to the facts. There is someone in my life who I have no other option but to associate with them and see them on a regular basis. I try so hard to hear their side of things but then when I want to comment I'm rudely interrupted with either a head shake accompanied by a sarcastic roll of the eyes or a "no." It's not just the gay thing (although that is the biggest). It's the color of skin, it's how someone walks, it's someones name and sometimes I feel like it is literally how someone puts their pants on in the morning. You think someone this extreme I would just be able to laugh it off but it affects too many people. People I care about. I hate feeling anger. I hate how he affects me. If anyone has any advice on letting this go please let me know. This one person is the only one person who really has this kind of affect on me and I'm sure they love it.

4th of July Pictures!

For Quinn

Hey you, Mr. Lonely. You have somebody. ME. I may be far, but my ears are always available. You mean so much to me, and after listening to some of your "alogs" and reading a few other posts, I can't believe how terrible of a friend I've been to you. I apologize. I know you so well, listening to you tell about the mask you wear, and how you really feel in big groups, I already knew all of it! I know you better than you think. And I wanna be a better friend. I love you, my friend. Ever since junior year when I invited you to sit at lunch with me. :) Don't forget that.
Sammy June

Sunday, July 4, 2010

A new 4th of July experience

People find it strange that the 4th is my favorite holiday - but it is! My family has always celebrated the 4th, I don't think any bigger or better than any other family. We do the parade/5k in the morning, swimming/BBQ in the afternoon and then go watch fireworks in the evening. I love tradition and hate when it's tampered with. I always figured I'd grow up to marry a man and we could still do all of our family traditions because I feel like often times couples end up going to the wife's family functions more than the husband's. (It's an assumption.)

Yesterday Sam's family all got together and were doing the same type of thing my family does. Sam said, "We can do your family this year and mine next year if you want, or I'll do my family and you do yours?" First, I thought the world stopped favorite holiday would be ruined! I felt so selfish, had a little pity party and quickly got over it. I was going to make both families work. I wanted to spend it with Sam and I absolutely adore her family so how bad could it be?

We skipped out on the parade and the beginning of my family BBQ. We drove down to her sister's, talked, had a little lunch and went to a little water park. I had such a good time. I got to play with her nieces and nephews, talk with the adults and be a kid myself while teaching Sam's oldest niece some tricks and games in the pool. When it came time to leave I was actually disappointed it was already time to go. We took off mid-afternoon and made it to the swimming party and fireworks at my sister's. Sam even got a few games of basketball in with my siblings.

This was a great 4th of July. I felt like I spent it with 2 of my families. It felt complete and was one of the best 4th of July's I've had in my 24 years. I got to spend it with twice as many people and I loved every second of it.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

We are cheerleaders!

Not sure I'm going to make it through 2 more days of this. We have a total of 147 rooms in our hotel. High school cheerleaders are taking up 100 of them. There are 4 girls to a room. You do the math. Complaint after complaint. These girls are loud, disrespectful and annoying. With that said I was a teenage girl once, a loud teenage girl so I understand to a point. I think I have always had something against cheerleaders. It's like the only group I automatically judge. I had friends that were cheerleaders but I was on dance company and so there was a little head butting. There comments crack me up. Here are a couple of them:
"How do you make the water go from the faucet to come out of the shower head?"
When entering the elevator from our top floor She asks, "Going up or down?"

The hallways reek of hairspray and they have plastered their names on their doors because they can't seem to remember their room numbers, some even have pictures because they don't know how to spell their names.

Okay, I'm being a little harsh but imagine running the front desk of the hotel these girls are staying at. Tumbling down the hallways at midnight, singing along to songs on their ipod at early hours in the morning. Too much to handle. I'm sorry traveling business men.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Once A Hero

As a baby, I chewed on your socks;
You were my comfort.

As a kid, we walked to school together;
You were my guide.

As a teen, we fought all the time;
You were the typical bully big brother.

After your mission, we bonded and talked about everything;
You were my best friend.

When I left home for college, we talked on the phone and you reassured me I'd be ok.
You were my hero.

When I came out, we cried. You called me an embarrassment.
You are a stranger.

I see that you're scared, I see that you have blinders on.

I'm still the girl you once liked being around. I'm still the sister that adores you.

I'm still me.

Open your heart, show me your arms are still open.

Take away my fear like you used to.

The choke in my throat and the tears in my eyes
never cease to break through when we talk now.
They're not welcome any more.

I am happy. I am a good person.
See that.

Come back to me, big brother.
Don't you see that I need you?
I'll wait forever. My arms are open.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Oh what a night!

Last night Sam and I hung out with a friend we hadn't seen in almost 7 months. We made plans week after week but it always seemed to fall through. I'm so glad it finally happened because we had such a good time.

He brought along a friend of his who we immediately clicked with and found adorable. We hit up O'falafel for dinner (if you haven't been there go today because it's delicious! 2100 south 800 east). We showed him our house, then went and played at the park until his friend got sick and we rushed them to the train station only to have them miss it.

I didn't tell Derek this but I discussed it with Sam a little bit. Derek seemed different. Not in a bad way but a great one. He seemed older, which he was by 7 months. Ü He had matured but still had his silly quirky personality. He made me laugh harder than ever but something had definitely changed.

The four of us had a brief and clouded conversation about overcoming struggles. We were talking about one thing, but at least in my head was thinking of another. We were kind of bantering back and forth.

"Struggles make you stronger, right?"
"They eventually go away..."
"No, you have to work to make them go away."
"Maybe after a couple of years they'll just disappear."
"You'll become a better person because of them."

We all just sort of threw in comments. I think it's a personality type thing. (I'm a J!) Some people I honestly believe can just let things go and never discuss them. On the other hand people like me need to go through the stages of healing. I guess people do it in their own way. I think Derek has been going through these stages and that's why he seemed so matured to me. His struggles had helped him to grow and learn. I love it. I love seeing how he's taken pain and molded himself to be a better, more wise person.

Sam and I have most definitely grown from our struggles and I think we still are. She is such a different person than the 18 year old I met years and years ago. She's more her own person. I love watching people grow and figure themselves out. We might only have one life, so as insignificant as each life may be we might as well have fun and make it our best.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Deciding To Decide

I'm a girl who has trouble making decisions. Big ones, insignificant ones, doesn't matter: I have a hard time. Just 30 seconds ago, for example, I couldn't decide if I wanted to write about something serious and potentially depressing, or something light and uplifting. So, I decided to just decide. Here's what I decided: let your fingers do the work.
The words decide and decision have now lost their meaning to me because I have typed them too much. Seriously, I'm saying them in my head and they mean nothing; I don't even know if they're a real word any more.
Last night, Elise and I hung out with my long-time great friend who is a very attractive, straight young man. As I tucked in my girl to say goodnight before he and I ventured off to the park, she asked me if anything was going to happen with him. I couldn't help but snicker. "Just put me at ease," she said. To me, the thought hadn't even entered my mind. This guy is like a brother to me, and not only that, but I'm crazy in love with the girl asking me this silly question. "Of course not, babe! I'm in love with you, you know that." As he and I walked around the park at night, we discussed his current love life and I couldn't shake the thought of my love worrying I would ever cheat on her. Now, I've learned through tough experience to never say never, but I'm confident I would not ever cheat on Elise. I understand her concern, because I worry the same things when she is alone with certain other people; and it's funny how jealousy works. I trust her, she trusts me, and maybe we even trust the 3rd party. So what is it then, that causes people to cheat? Circumstance, I suppose. A turn of events, the right words, a certain look you never noticed before.
I don't really know what my point was of writing about that. I guess that's what you get for letting your fingers do the talking. Let me end with a happier note that is directed to my other half. No matter how cute or how pretty anyone else is, they're not you. I don't ever want you to worry about me lying to you or cheating, because it's not an option. My happiness meter has bursted out the top ever since we moved into our first little place in Layton. Elise - I loved you first....And last, and everything in between. ALWAYS.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

To the underappreciated

I don't know if you're allowed to make two posts in the same day. I don't know if it makes you uncool, but it's a risk I'm willing to take since I can't get something off my mind.

I dated a guy a while back, we'll call him Chuck. He was one of those guys who didn't speak unless he had something worth saying and if you took your time to really talk to him he could really benefit your life. I say really because he didn't like the artificial bull-shit kind of talk.

"Hey! How are ya?"

"You going to school?"

"Dating anyone?"

"Where are you living?"

It just didn't cut it. No one really cares where you're going to school or who you're dating, or quite frankly how you are. The reason I'm blogging about...Chuck is because I have this haunting memory of us. Before I dive into that, it's important that you know I have never met a person who wrote more than Chuck. He journaled everything. Every thing good and I'm guessing everything bad. One day we were sitting on my couch and he mentioned something about wondering if once he died anyone would know anything about him. Would they know that he lived? Would they know of him and I? Would they know the good things? That day I opened up my journal (it had been a couple months) and began to write of the memories I've had of him.

I don't know how many other people feel underappreciated but Chuck was one of the people I have met in my life that I find most valuble to me as a person. I feel like I have been changed for the better for knowing him and having real conversations with him. Anyone lucky enough to meet someone as special as him let them know because there will come a time when it's too late.

Thank you Chuck.

Just a thought

Can you imagine if we weren't born to have a crush on the opposite sex, date the opposite sex, and marry the opposite sex how different this world would be?
I wonder how many more gay people there would be.
How many people would date both sexes?
Would people be more accepting?
Would you be cooler if you were with the same sex?
Would you be cooler if you were with the opposite sex?
So many questions.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Forget the Labels

"You're the straightest lesbian I've ever met!" This is what people tend to say about me. You'll notice from both Sam and I that we try to avoid the labels, hence the title she gave our blog. This is because we don't necessarily consider ourselves gay, straight, bi or any other title you could think to give us. We're just in love and so labels don't really matter.
To give you a little history of how I got where I am...some call it dependent, I call it young and afraid. I always had a boyfriend in junior high and high school and even into college for a while. There was nothing fake and no pretending in those relationships. I meant everything I said and was fully committed. There was even a strong amount of physical attraction. I wasn't like a lot of gay people who pretended to be straight and were trying to put on a front. It wasn't until I fell in love with Sam that I realized I could actually be with a woman the rest of my life.
As for both Sam and I, we have never been with another girl. It immediately felt so right with Sam. Not in the religious/church sense but with the simple fact that we were so compatible and were really the perfect match. We have our struggles but there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not happy with where Sam and I are. As cheesy as it sounds, she completes me.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Lemons Make Lemonade and...Lesbians?

I thought I should clarify why I chose the title of our blog. In 2008, Elise and I lived in Oregon and met a great lady who happened to be a lesbian. One day she asked Elise if she and I were "lemons." Not knowing what that meant, Elise said no. "You're not...a couple then?" she tried again. Elise bashfully laughed and admitted we were. She said she knew we were "lemons," which in her circle of friends, meant lesbians. They made it up to be able to talk freely of lesbians without saying the L word which seems to make so many uncomfortable. Well, really, it's not the prettiest word.

Let Me Introduce Myself

When I was 11, I was obsessed with 'Titanic.' Most girls fell in love with Leo in that movie...not me. I fell for Kate. It makes me laugh now that I'm 23 and can fully realize my crush on the British actress (whom I still adore). I didn't know then that I liked girls, I just knew that I had to paste as many pictures of Leo on my posterboards as I did of Kate, or else people would think I was weird.
All through high school, I dated a few boys, but never had boyfriends. I never felt comfortable with any guy I dated, no matter how cute, nice, religious, or smart they were. I used to cry all the time because I wondered what was wrong with me. Why did I NEVER feel comfortable? My brother told me once it was nothing to worry about, I just hadn't met the one. I knew he was wrong, there was more to it; but I nodded and kept trying to believe he was right.
My junior year I went to hang out with some friends who went to a different high school one night. I hardly ever saw them, but had always wanted to chill with them because they were drama geeks like me, but ten times funnier. Their group that night consisted of two gay boys and a (then) straight girl. I found her to be GORGEOUS. She had fiery red hair and icy gray eyes with smokey eye shadow. Perhaps she reminded me of Kate Winslet. This girl, my junior year, was the first girl I knew I was attracted to. Mind you, I did nothing about that. It was not even an option. This night, we were all watching their recording of a play they were all in and I sat side to side with the red-head. I found myself getting sick to the stomach because I all of the sudden wondered: "What the crap would I do if this girl leaned over and kissed me?" I'm sure she had no intention of doing so, but I wondered it anyway. "Would I actually stop her?" No. "Do I want her to lean over and kiss me?" Yes. "Why am I thinking this?" My brain started producing too many questions with no clear answers and I eventually made up an excuse to go home. I blocked that memory out for a long time.
Graduation meant leaving my 18-year home of Salem, Oregon - for Utah. The thought of that place made me want to cry. I spent the first three months living with my parents, dating odd boys, working a horrible job that made me depressed, and constantly calling friends from home. The time for school arrived, and I lived on my own for the first time EVER. The basement of an old Hispanic lady became my new home, shared with two Japanese exchange students. I stayed in my cold room as often as possible and just cried. I hated Utah.
Then I met Elise. For our ASL Storytelling class, we had to go to a conference in Salt Lake and I had no car. I asked the girl next to me for a ride and she wasn't going, but perhaps Elise, who was on her other side? Elise, at the mention of her name tipped back in her chair and I mimicked. There we sat, on the back two legs of our chairs, smiling without knowing why. She did give me a ride and from that day on, we were inseparable. It took me ten months to tell her I thought I was in love with her, but four days to know she was my soulmate.
Things happened, tears were shed, church leaders were met with, parents were told, more tears were shed. Guilt was my new constant companion. Guilt for loving her, guilt for acting on that love for her, guilt for hurting our families, guilt for hurting Elise by always giving in and then backing out. I was so confused and scared. Words cannot describe how I felt for so long. I hurt a lot of people I never meant to hurt. I was just trying to figure myself out.
Fast forward through a lot of good memories and a lot of painful ones. August of 2009 marked our first apartment together as a fresh-slated, out couple. Every single terrible moment in our almost five years of knowing each other all became worth it. We got past the terrible struggles, hand in hand and have been in the happiest relationship either of us has ever had ever since. I look forward to each new day with this girl, my best friend. My soulmate. I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father for all the lessons I learned to get to this point. We got our happy ending. Well, I guess it's only the beginning...