Sunday, August 29, 2010

Happy Birthday!

22 years ago my little sister was born. I'm sad to say I hate where we are now but I would rather talk about the previous years because today is a good day, a celebration of her life.

Frankie Jill was the sweetest child. Sure, most children are sweet but she didn't have anything bad to say. She was friends with everyone. She had friends of every shape and color. She was friends with the disabled and the geeks. Frankie LOVED to talk. She would strike up a conversation with anyone, stranger or not. I feel like I owe me being out going as an adult to her. I was extremely shy as a kid but I had just as many friends as Franks because everywhere we went she would pull me around and say, "I'm Frankie and this is my big sister Elise!" She always made sure I had friends and was included. When I reached 3rd grade I was just as loud and talkative as she was.

When high school came around I was so excited to share my senior year with my sister at the same school. I went to lunch with her as often as she'd let me and we'd hang out sometimes on the weekends. Frankie and I just had a good time together. We would laugh until we cried and only fought on occasion. We were really close in high school.

Frankie is like my little baby in a way. I feel this need to take care of her. I have a hard time with her growing up...I know she can do great things and I want her to fulfill whatever her purpose is on this earth and nothing less. I have so many days when I just want to go to her house and pick her up. I want to turn on the music and drive until I'm out of gas. I was to listen to her, I want to understand.

Frankie Jill is one of my very favorite people. She has had a lot of experience in these short 22 years and I'm glad to have been apart of it. She truly is amazing.

I love you, Little Sister.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

The Monster Inside Me

As I write this with tears ready to burst through the floodgates for no good reason, I'm looking at my sweet girlfriend laying in bed, on her side with only her right leg outstretched over the bedspread. This is probably the first time she's slept in - in weeks.
I am emotional right now, not only because I'm receiving my annual visit from Aunt Flo, but also because I get short waves of depression, usually based on life-happenings. I'm a happy person, I am aware of all the wonderful things I've been blessed with, and the amazing people I'm lucky to have in my life. But this monster inside me refuses to leave for good. Most of the time he sleeps (although I'm sure Elise would argue that), but when he does wake, I become a different person. I've never wanted medication because I've never felt it was often enough to prescribe, but he's coming around a lot lately, and I feel it's because I'm enticing him myself.

What is my deal?

I seem to ask myself that a lot lately. When I'm depressed, I shut down, become quiet, I'm sure everyone knows the routine, but most of all, I become a jerk to the love of my life. I lash out on her the most, probably because I know she'll still love me when my monster retreats. But there's no excuse, I want her to know I'm sorry. I have an imagination that wanders and invents a hundred stories for every one reality. The things my mind comes up with scare me, and make me worried and paranoid about things I shouldn't worry about.

Trust and Honesty are at the top of my list of qualities I want for myself, and in my significant other. Elise - you have that, and everything else on the list of my dream person. You're all I could ask for and more. We'll blame it on the period that I'm crying now, just thinking about how lucky I am, but please know that I know. I know I have the girl everyone wants.
I apologize for every time I've let my monster get the best of me, and every time he will in the future. Please stick with me. Be patient. We've gotten through worse, and will continue to fight life's battles hand in hand. I love you, Elise. So much more than I can ever explain in words. Always.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Sky

Sometimes people (including my very own girlfriend) think I get a little overzealous when it comes to natures beauty. When I see a colorful sunset I have no other way to describe it other than making ooooing and ahhhing sounds and repeating again and again how beautiful it is. It sounds a bit annoying I know, but it only lasts for a short moment and I don't want anyone to miss it. Sunsets are my absolute favorite. Of course I would love to be on the beaches of Hawaii watching the sunset but I have NEVER seen a sunset like the ones here in Utah. I don't know if it's the pollution or the lake but something makes it different, more colorful.

I also love the sunrises...if I'm up early enough to see them. As much as I complain about getting my butt out of bed at 4:30 am Wednesday mornings it becomes worth it when I see the bright pink sky. Ah! I love it! It has been far too long since I have woken up early by choice to see the sunrise. That's pretty sad.

I also have to mention the night sky. I was in Bear Lake last week and was lucky enough to see the crazy stars a few of the nights. I actually saw my first 2 shooting stars in one night! They're so damn fast I couldn't even make a wish. I love the night sky away from the city lights, unreal.

I am a person who tends to get caught up in little, stupid, unimportant things and let them get to me. I worry until I pass out. When I can start a morning with a bright sunrise, end the day with a colorful sunset and those times I'm lucky enough to see the starry sky at night before my head hits my pillow my life seems much more at ease.

Thank you sky and whoever it is that makes it so beautiful.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

One Year & Counting!

My girl and I celebrated our one year mark of living together (as a couple) on August 15th. Woo! It went by fast, and I couldn't have asked for a better person to share my life with, let alone my closet space with. :) Baha. Weese, even though you often leave your clothes scattered on the floor in your early morning rush to get to work, I still love living with you. We balance each other out so well, and our decor styles are so similar. You will always be my favorite person, best friend, and soulmate. I love you!!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Sam's Movie Debut

Well, I just took a huge step toward my dream of acting. I had my first speaking role in a feature film, and I had a blast. You won't be seeing it in theatres, but I don't even care; it was a great learning experience and I met some of the most amazing people.

I saw the audition notice on craigslist and went to the Salt Lake Library after work one evening to perform a monologue and chat with the directors. I met Gabi first as she helped me sign in, and then my beautiful, supportive girlfriend came to help calm my nerves. I walked into the ceiling-less room and sat down in front of three swell gentlemen, Mike, Keith, and Derek. They made me feel immediately comfortable and at ease with some get-to-know-you questions and a few short stories. I performed my oh-so-dramatic monologue and then Derek filmed me telling my life story in a nutshell. We all got along well, and not long after, they e-mailed me inviting me to play a part in their film.

They had/have 4 short weeks to cast, write, film, and edit this feature, and they're well on their way. My character is named Junie, which is fitting, considering my middle name is June and Junie is a beloved nickname from my oldest sister. I pick up the lead man on the side of the road and give him a ride to his destination. Through conversation we find that I know his sister, and the movie continues with him and his 3 siblings going on a journey to find their missing father. I am in the last scene as well, giving him a ride back home, and I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Film is definitely different than theatre, and although both have their pros and cons, the stage will always be my first love. I have a new outlook on movies, and don't think I'll ever be able to watch them the same way again, considering I've seen more of how they're done. Intimate moments of just two people on the screen will now appear to me as: the camera man behind them, the sound guy behind him, and the director next to him. All cozy as can be.

I had a blast being a part of this movie, filming near the salt flats, and in Evanston, Wyoming. The people involved couldn't have made me feel more welcome, and thank you also to my girl for coming with me to Wyoming! Hopefully I'll have many more movies to report on in the future.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Not quite ready

Okay, so I wasn't ready. I shouldn't have asked the question that brought me to this anger and frusteration. I was talking to a co-worker today and he had a few questions about mine and Sams' relatiationship. He is very LDS but has seemed pretty open minded so I thought I'd ask him a question. "What would you do if one of your kids was gay?" I don't want to go into everything he said because it makes me so livid it makes me want to cry. Basically he would blame his parenting skills and hope to help them become "normal." I had to bite my tongue. I had so much to say but I knew we had already crossed the line of a discussion that should be had at work. As of this moment in time I would move out of Utah tomorrow. I know there are ignorant people everywhere but the numbers seem much higher here. I can't handle it. I hear other people talk (such as my roommates) and they seem to have more of an understanding for people and their low tolerance for anything different than themselves. I thought I was there with them but today's reality made me realize I'm not. I'm upset and annoyed.