Saturday, August 21, 2010

The Monster Inside Me

As I write this with tears ready to burst through the floodgates for no good reason, I'm looking at my sweet girlfriend laying in bed, on her side with only her right leg outstretched over the bedspread. This is probably the first time she's slept in - in weeks.
I am emotional right now, not only because I'm receiving my annual visit from Aunt Flo, but also because I get short waves of depression, usually based on life-happenings. I'm a happy person, I am aware of all the wonderful things I've been blessed with, and the amazing people I'm lucky to have in my life. But this monster inside me refuses to leave for good. Most of the time he sleeps (although I'm sure Elise would argue that), but when he does wake, I become a different person. I've never wanted medication because I've never felt it was often enough to prescribe, but he's coming around a lot lately, and I feel it's because I'm enticing him myself.

What is my deal?

I seem to ask myself that a lot lately. When I'm depressed, I shut down, become quiet, I'm sure everyone knows the routine, but most of all, I become a jerk to the love of my life. I lash out on her the most, probably because I know she'll still love me when my monster retreats. But there's no excuse, I want her to know I'm sorry. I have an imagination that wanders and invents a hundred stories for every one reality. The things my mind comes up with scare me, and make me worried and paranoid about things I shouldn't worry about.

Trust and Honesty are at the top of my list of qualities I want for myself, and in my significant other. Elise - you have that, and everything else on the list of my dream person. You're all I could ask for and more. We'll blame it on the period that I'm crying now, just thinking about how lucky I am, but please know that I know. I know I have the girl everyone wants.
I apologize for every time I've let my monster get the best of me, and every time he will in the future. Please stick with me. Be patient. We've gotten through worse, and will continue to fight life's battles hand in hand. I love you, Elise. So much more than I can ever explain in words. Always.


  1. Sam, you know that monster is a constant companion for a lot of us Christensens. It is only natural to take it out on the person you are MOST at ease with, MOST yourself. And, you're right, it's because we know that they will still love us after all is said and done. So many times, I have threatened Mike with divorce, suicide, accused him of cheating, yelled, screamed, threw punches, threw pans, everything you can imagine that no one should ever have to take. Yet, he is still there and just last night told me for about the 10,000th time that I am his dream girl and he would die without me. IN MY OPINION, being that I have been in your life for so long and knowing what I know about depression, it is possible that you are getting more and more depressed as you get older. It could only be circumstance, it could be a chemical imbalance. I would at least get a doctor's opinion, or two doctors' for that matter, just to see if it's your circumstances or your brain. It can't hurt, it can only help. I am glad you have someone to share your heart with, someone who is as careful with it as Mike is with mine. I love you so very much, and I am always here for you. Please don't hesitate to call or come see me when you need a shoulder to cry on. It's what I do...when I do...what I do. It's what big sisters are for. PS, I am still waiting for my own personal blog about the wonders that are...ME. ;)

  2. thank you big sister, you made me tear up. :) i know you're always there, and i come to you often, you know that. i always will. i love my sisters. mikey is a great guy, and you and he both are lucky to have each other. MMMWAH! p.s. my post about you will come in time, i'm sure!