Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Just A Smidgen, Relating To Religion

I'm the kind of person who wants to please everyone. I know that's not possible. When I contemplated being with Elise for three and a half long years, I always wanted to please everyone but myself. Ok, I won't be with her, for all of you. Ok, I'll be with you for you. Finally, after a lot of painful lessons, I learned that I, myself, wanted to be with Elise. I loved her deeply, like I had never loved anyone before, and there was no more denying or postponing that. So, we moved in together last August 15th, and haven't looked back since. But I disappointed a lot of people that I care a lot about.
"Do what's right for YOU," is advice I was often told when people learned of others' uncomfortable feelings about me. The problem is, there's not just one "right" for me. I want to make my parents and siblings proud, I want to give Elise the world, I want to stand for what I believe in, I want to love those who hate me, I want to serve selflessly. I guess doing all those things at once IS possible, but only in certain ways; never fully.

My family will always love me, and even be proud of most things I accomplish in my life, but there will always be the fact that I'm with a girl. Elise will always be there for me, but will always worry when I'm in quiet, contemplative moods. My spirituality and belief in God will always exist fully inside me, but not be shown in the same ways as growing up. I will always TRY to be patient and loving to those I don't get along with, but I will always think thoughts or say things I shouldn't. I will always try to find ways to serve, but there will always be times when I get lazy and skip out on deserving projects. Win, win situations never stay that way.

But it doesn't mean we shouldn't strive for them anyway. I know there are quite a few people in my life who disagree with the path I've chosen. And that's okay. I respect that. No one ever has to support, condone, or even like that I am with another girl, but I am. And most importantly, I'm still me. Talking about no one in particular - does it make you better than me to avoid contact with me now that you know I'm gay? (It's complicated, so I'm just saying "gay" even though I just love people) Does it make you unclean if you touch me? Or will it rub off on your baby if I hold them? Does it make you better than me if you pray for me to "change" every night, but yet give me cold stares and avoid really talking to me? If I sound bitter, I guess I am at the moment. But in reality, I know I'm fortunate and blessed. I have so many wonderful people in my life that do still love me, and a lot who my path didn't make an ounce of difference to. All of my family and Elise's make constant effort to understand and love us, even though they don't support "us". And I hope they all know how much I appreciate that.

I am...a girl. A daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, aunt, cousin, and friend. I love acting, basketball, drawing, eating, traveling, reading, writing, organizing, scrapbooking, hiking, and learning. I don't shave my legs nearly enough, but it's blonde hair so I don't care. I like to be clean. I like puppies and horses. I love desserts, mashed potatoes, pasta, chocolate, and sushi. I don't drink or do drugs, and can honestly and proudly say nothing of that sort has ever even touched my lips. I don't care what others do as long as they're good people and can positively effect me in any way. I love to listen. I love to make people laugh. I eventually want to travel the world, and serve in as many different places as possible. I love my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I believe in them just as strongly as I ever have, and always will. I try not to hold grudges. I try to learn from my mistakes, and not only never make them again, but do other things even better to one-up my mistakes. I am human. I definitely make mistakes a lot; but that's part of what makes life so interesting.

If you've known me most of my life, or if you just met me; please...keep all of those things in mind when thinking of me. Not that I'm making a choice you'd never make. Love me for me.


  1. You are amazing. I love you for you. I'm kinda lucky...;-)

    My favorite post of yours yet.

  2. Just wanted to say, i love this post.

    I don't know you, I've just ran into your blog, but I can quite honestly and sincerely say I wish only the best for you, Elise, and yours.

    Really touched by this post <3

  3. I don't know you but I love your post and I think that you are great. I also lived my life trying to please others and always was kicked in my butt because I was never good enough. That brought me to a depression 4 years ago and I have to take medicine for the rest of my life.

    In January I resigned from the mormon church (or should I say cult?) and I've never been happy ever since. Be happy with your girl.

    Although I don't know you, I love you both.

    Greetz from Belgium,


  4. Don't worry, Sam. I love you for you and that's all that matters. All you really have to do is make choices that please me and we are all good to go. Rub my feet, run eight consecutive miles with me, hit a fat kid for me, jump into shark-infested water for me, run a relay from Logan to Jackson Hole for me, tell me constantly how amazing and beautiful I am and how very, very lucky you are to be my sister, and finally--be happy for me, be proud of the person you are for me, and just be you for me. Okay? Love you.