Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Life is Good

I went to bed last night around 2am and continued to let my thoughts keep me awake.

When I couldn't sleep last night I saw the kitchen light come on upstairs just before midnight, I immediately jumped out of bed so excited someone else was still awake. There was Taylor preparing the coffee maker so he couldn't get in trouble again for not fulfilling his duty. Ü

We began to talk about what was bothering me and causing me to not be dreaming at that very moment. The majority of it was work related, worried about letting people down and other things not working out. We talked about other issues in each others' lives. We moved into the living room because we could tell this conversation would not be ending shortly. We continued to try to solve the huge crisis' we face in our lives and it slowly developed into more serious conversation.

Without going into too much detail (only because it makes me emotional and I'm not in a good place to let that happen) we talked about the struggles going on in India. He talked about one of the classes he is currently in and as we sat there at 1 in the morning he educated me on something I had known nothing of. As cliche as this sounds, suddenly my problems became a lot less important.

It was like my soul Elise told my body Elise, "You aren't that important."

I worry way too much about how I am going to affect people, but when it comes down to it people only really care about themselves. Even bigger than that there ARE bigger problems in this world than mine. It was just another ah-ha moment I needed to have.

I am a very lucky person. I have a life partner who couldn't possibly make me any happier, good friends, good family...I feel like that should be followed with great food but I'll skip it. I am a happy person, a very happy person.


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Just A Smidgen, Relating To Religion

I'm the kind of person who wants to please everyone. I know that's not possible. When I contemplated being with Elise for three and a half long years, I always wanted to please everyone but myself. Ok, I won't be with her, for all of you. Ok, I'll be with you for you. Finally, after a lot of painful lessons, I learned that I, myself, wanted to be with Elise. I loved her deeply, like I had never loved anyone before, and there was no more denying or postponing that. So, we moved in together last August 15th, and haven't looked back since. But I disappointed a lot of people that I care a lot about.
"Do what's right for YOU," is advice I was often told when people learned of others' uncomfortable feelings about me. The problem is, there's not just one "right" for me. I want to make my parents and siblings proud, I want to give Elise the world, I want to stand for what I believe in, I want to love those who hate me, I want to serve selflessly. I guess doing all those things at once IS possible, but only in certain ways; never fully.

My family will always love me, and even be proud of most things I accomplish in my life, but there will always be the fact that I'm with a girl. Elise will always be there for me, but will always worry when I'm in quiet, contemplative moods. My spirituality and belief in God will always exist fully inside me, but not be shown in the same ways as growing up. I will always TRY to be patient and loving to those I don't get along with, but I will always think thoughts or say things I shouldn't. I will always try to find ways to serve, but there will always be times when I get lazy and skip out on deserving projects. Win, win situations never stay that way.

But it doesn't mean we shouldn't strive for them anyway. I know there are quite a few people in my life who disagree with the path I've chosen. And that's okay. I respect that. No one ever has to support, condone, or even like that I am with another girl, but I am. And most importantly, I'm still me. Talking about no one in particular - does it make you better than me to avoid contact with me now that you know I'm gay? (It's complicated, so I'm just saying "gay" even though I just love people) Does it make you unclean if you touch me? Or will it rub off on your baby if I hold them? Does it make you better than me if you pray for me to "change" every night, but yet give me cold stares and avoid really talking to me? If I sound bitter, I guess I am at the moment. But in reality, I know I'm fortunate and blessed. I have so many wonderful people in my life that do still love me, and a lot who my path didn't make an ounce of difference to. All of my family and Elise's make constant effort to understand and love us, even though they don't support "us". And I hope they all know how much I appreciate that.

I am...a girl. A daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, aunt, cousin, and friend. I love acting, basketball, drawing, eating, traveling, reading, writing, organizing, scrapbooking, hiking, and learning. I don't shave my legs nearly enough, but it's blonde hair so I don't care. I like to be clean. I like puppies and horses. I love desserts, mashed potatoes, pasta, chocolate, and sushi. I don't drink or do drugs, and can honestly and proudly say nothing of that sort has ever even touched my lips. I don't care what others do as long as they're good people and can positively effect me in any way. I love to listen. I love to make people laugh. I eventually want to travel the world, and serve in as many different places as possible. I love my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I believe in them just as strongly as I ever have, and always will. I try not to hold grudges. I try to learn from my mistakes, and not only never make them again, but do other things even better to one-up my mistakes. I am human. I definitely make mistakes a lot; but that's part of what makes life so interesting.

If you've known me most of my life, or if you just met me; please...keep all of those things in mind when thinking of me. Not that I'm making a choice you'd never make. Love me for me.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Little Things...

I love Sam.

She is so perfect for me. We are going to Seattle in less than 2 days! Every once in a while she'll do something big for me but it's the little things that I love the most.

I am a morning person but not a 5:30 morning person. I have a tough time getting up for work so I usually leave myself with 20 minutes to get ready and then I'm in a rush. Often times I don't have time to eat breakfast and even worse I don't pack a lunch. I work 10 hour days so it's not easy to go all day without eating. Everyday this week Sam has got up with me and made me a lunch. It has made my week that much easier.

She goes to the gym everyday with me even if she doesn't want to.

She talks to me while she lays in bed in the morning on my way to work so I don't fall asleep.

She shares her very favorite candybar with me without a second thought. (and she hates to share)

She lets me talk her ear off and she actually listens.

She helps me watch my neices and nephews after a long day of work when she is pooped.

She gives me extra kisses and loves on my bad days.

Did I mention, she makes me laugh harder than anyone could ever try?

I love Sam.