Sunday, June 27, 2010

Once A Hero

As a baby, I chewed on your socks;
You were my comfort.

As a kid, we walked to school together;
You were my guide.

As a teen, we fought all the time;
You were the typical bully big brother.

After your mission, we bonded and talked about everything;
You were my best friend.

When I left home for college, we talked on the phone and you reassured me I'd be ok.
You were my hero.

When I came out, we cried. You called me an embarrassment.
You are a stranger.

I see that you're scared, I see that you have blinders on.

I'm still the girl you once liked being around. I'm still the sister that adores you.

I'm still me.

Open your heart, show me your arms are still open.

Take away my fear like you used to.

The choke in my throat and the tears in my eyes
never cease to break through when we talk now.
They're not welcome any more.

I am happy. I am a good person.
See that.

Come back to me, big brother.
Don't you see that I need you?
I'll wait forever. My arms are open.


  1. I think time heals all things. :)

  2. Wow baby. You're making me tear up at work. Well written. I love you.

  3. A couple of the people I love most in the world are gay. Watching them go through the coming out process has sucked, for them and for me. For them, sadly, for the all too obvious reasons. For me, because I love them, and it makes me feel angry and powerless to see them in pain, to see other people acting so worthless, and to not be able to do anything to make it better.

    Personally, I have handled others' homophobia with confrontation--not in the sense of mindless anger, but in the sense of calling it what it is. A lot of the time, people lie to themselves--and they rely on the so-called "social contract" to facilitate them in doing so. They're not "homophobic", they have all these excuses--and I'm supposed to be "polite" (read: too frightened of a social faux pas to do anything) and enable them.

    I caused a huge fight with my in-laws the other day. On principle, I hate comments that are nothing more than "read my blog", but if you'll forgive the intrusion, I think you might get a kick out of it. Hey, at least you know you're not alone.

    A major focus of my own blog has been searching out, and making fun of homophobia. I don't know if it's the best way to handle the issue, but it's helped me let off some steam in a non problem causing way (most of the time) and connect with people who feel the same way. I hope blogging ends up being as therapeutic, and empowering, for you as it's been for me.

  4. C.J. i appreciate your comments and thank you for reading and sharing your advice. i can tell you're a good person. however, in my brother's defense (since he hasn't been given a fair chance to read this yet) i would not call him a homophobe. he is simply worried about his sister due to his beliefs, which i can understand and respect. i'd never ask anyone to go against their beliefs, no matter what they are. i just miss the friendship he and i had, and that was what i was conveying. how much i miss him, and that i wish he could see me for me. but he is an amazing person, let that be known. thanks again for your words, C.J. i enjoy hearing others' points of view. :)

  5. I hope your relationship with your brother improves :-)

  6. Just think of all the happy memories he is missing out on. One day he will regret his decision. I hope it gets better, I really do!

  7. Just awesome. Good for you for being so brave...and going against your family's deeply held beliefs (and, heaven forbid, having a healthy relationship). I left Mormonism and find that it is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I can't even imagine how much harder your situation is. And you're in UTAH!!! I hope the relationship with your brother improves... Best of luck :)

  8. Sam I just read this this week; the week of your wedding! I hope he's come back to you. I always, always admired your friendship. Love to you!

  9. Chelsea Bell, it's been forever! Things are sooo much better between my brother and I, we've both come a long way. Thank you for your words, you are beautiful as ever! My best to you and your family!