Saturday, July 10, 2010

I am me...

It's 10:30pm on the dot. I'm usually tucked into bed by now because I'm so anxious that I have to wake up at 5:30 for work. (My roommates like to mock me and call me the grandma of the house.) Sam is usually trying to calm my fears of having too many check outs or dealing with angry guests. It's funny I've worked my job for over a year now and I must say I'm pretty good at it, but my anxiety hasn't lessened much. Sam is at the drive-in with the Jenkins' and that is why I am wide awake making a post.

I had to evaluate myself tonight on my drive home because I have grown dependant all over again. When Sam and I first met it was rare to see us without each other. We were inseparable. We loved being together and it's hard for me to admit but it was a little unhealthy. I'll probably never admit to that again - maybe because it was the words her mom repeated daily or because I see it coming back.

I have been sick all day. All I wanted was Sam. I wanted her to be home to force me to gargle hot salt water, make me stay in bed and tickle my back. She was at work so I was counting down the minutes when I could finally have her to myself! My brother's surprise party was tonight so the plan was for me to go to that and then for her to drive out after her costume fitting and make it for the end of the party. It was kind of silly for her to drive all the way out to Ogden but she really wanted to be there so she was going to do it. I kept telling her, "No, it's okay really. I'll just see you when I get home." Inside I was pleased when she kept saying she would make the drive. I got a call from her when I was blocks away from the party, " We got an invite to go to the drive-in with the Jenkins'. It was clear I wasn't going to make it when they wanted to be there at 8:30 and the party didn't started until 7 in Ogden. Sam was going to go without me.

This probably wouldn't be a big deal to anyone else but to me it was awful. I had the entire night's plan made up in my mind (this is VERY typical of me). I was upset. I didn't answer her calls for a number of reasons. 1. I wanted to show her I was upset. 2. I didn't want to cry. 3. I didn't want to make her feel guilty and not go have fun with her family by saying something stupid.

This was a big problem for me. I'm not talking about the fact she went to the movie because quite honestly it doesn't even matter anymore. The problem is I am right back were I used to be. I discussed this with my roommates when I got home. It was about a year ago that I overcame (or thought I did) all of this. I grew into an independent woman. I didn't have Sam around and the person I was seeing gave me very little of their time. Although those months were a trying time in my life I grew more than I ever have. When Sam and I moved in together I noticed things like this didn't bother me and I was okay with going to bed alone at night.

I am back exactly where I used to be.

It's time for change.

I am me.


  1. P.S. I wasn't lying about 10:30. For some reason it says I posted it at 9:30 but the correct time was 11...haha.

  2. Hmm. While one doesn't want to be completely dependent on another, one in a relationship does not want to be completely independent either. I think there is a balance that can, and ought to be struck. Sounds like you had found that, and now you just need a little recalibration. Don't beat yourself up though. God gave us 90 some odd years to figure things out. Don't be down on yourself for not getting something yet. Give your self time. :)
    P.S. Thanks for texting with me today.

  3. ya know, i thought about backing out and not going, but i'm glad i went. it was fun to spend time with the Jenkins, and although I missed my girl, i had a good time. it sounds like you had a good time too, at the party and talking with our roomies. i'm glad it all worked out, and i'm sorry i changed our plans last minute. thanks for this post, i love you, elise!

  4. Well, golldarnit, now I feel bad too! Well, not really, but I had to toss it in for good measure. If it makes you feel any better Elise, we were all thinking about you during the whole movie wishing you were there. Especially when the little girl yelled, "It's so fluffy!!" I am also glad you are feeling better. Definitely you shouldn't be hard on yourself. I think part of the feeling of anger was because you were feeling so sick. I know I am upset when Mike isn't around when I am sick and I have to take care of myself.