Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Why can't I just be gay?!

I am envious of those gay people who can be gay. I know I'm in a relationship with a girl and our friends and family know about us, but why can't I be a little braver? I'm not ashamed to be with Sam and I don't think it's wrong. I'm not saying we need to show people we're gay by being affectionate in public and shouting it to the world. Every time I run into an old friend and I'm asked if I'm dating someone I answer in one of two ways.

#1 Ya, so how is it living downtown? (quick subject change).
#2 Mmmm...it's complicated. (It's not complicated at all! It's actually very clear!)

Also, when I first meet someone I'm scared to tell them I'm dating a girl. Again, when asked if I'm seeing someone. The thing is, I'm not "dating" anyone. I'm living with her and she is my companion, my partner or whatever you want to call it.

I think the issue is I'm afraid of making them feel uncomfortable or how they will feel about me after. Quite honestly if they don't want anything to do with me for being gay then I don't want them in my life anyway. I need to "grow a pair" and let other people know how happy I am. By not telling I feel like it's saying I'm ashamed to be with Sam or ashamed to be gay. I'm not. I know time makes it easier but I'm wondering if anyone has a good book to recommend or anything to help me out.



  1. For what it's worth, everybody gets judged. Nobody, however seemingly perfect, is immune. You could be the straightest, most average person in the world, and someone would find a way to take issue with you--because people who want to take issue always fabricate some sort of excuse. The issue isn't being immune from judgment (nobody is), but, rather, being happy with yourself. How you feel about yourself is all that matters, anyway.

    Just this morning, I got called a "desert-dwelling, polygamist freak" (one husband is enough for me, thanks), and possessed by Satan (again). You know, that type of response says more about the person having it than it does about me (or you).

    Honestly, I know this is easier said than done, but just be honest--if people are going to judge you, wouldn't you rather know it? I remember, when I first told people I was getting married, some people were *really* mean. Not because they had any issue with the person I was marrying, but because they had an issue with the type of relationship I had, and the type of marriage I wanted to have. At first, I tried to ignore the problem/not tell people things for fear of being judged, and, in the long run, it just made everything worse.

  2. Come on Elise... your OGT's (obvious gay traits) tells us you are straight! Maybe you are ashamed to admit your straight and therefore dibble dabble in the gay area, cause you dont want people to think less of you as a straight girl. JK

    Dont let your shyness about being gay make you doubt your confidence. However your constant referring to "growing a pair"is beginning to make me concerned. Maybe some more estrogen (sp?) injections are in order?

  3. I obviously don't know anything about this, Elise, but I think it is pretty common for people who are "coming out", or whatever, to feel this way. Many people, including you and me, are blessed with an intuition regarding people's comfort level and instead of worrying about our own feelings, we put theirs ahead of our own. When you are ready to be more open about your status, you will and I don't think you need to rush yourself. I seriously doubt Sam cares about how you talk about your relationship with the average joe. The most important people don't need an explanation, and everyone else can just deal with it. I am trying to explain my feelings about it, but I don't know if I am doing an adequate job. Bottom line is, don't be so hard on yourself. Love you.

  4. everyone gave good advice. (my cawadon!!) i do the same thing, babe. just the other day, an older man asked me if i was married and i said no, then added that i was with someone. he said "with someone, meaning you live with them?" although i thought it was an odd assumption, i said yes and kept praying in my head that he'd ask no more. i get that same stage fright usually with the older generation. but really, most people. i'm working on it too. i feel the same as you. not ashamed, their opinion doesn't REALLY matter, but i don't want to make them feel awkward. we'll work on it together. love you!

  5. I can imagine how hard this would be living in Utah. I still struggle with this at times living in liberal Seattle with my partner. You don't need a book. Just give it some time and you will become more comfortable in your own skin. If you act confident in front of people and show them how happy you are, this will go a long way. Plus, you two are a super cute couple and I bet you will win them over just being yourself.

  6. caradon couldn't have said it better. and i agree with chris, that if you give it some time you will be more and more confident. you're still at the VERY BEGINNING of all of this "coming out" and every gay person i know has gone through all of the same feelings and emotions, some much worse, and they still get passed that "hump" and now are comfortable and don't care what others think. it just takes time. sometimes that time can mean years, but don't rush it. i can see how it would be nicer to avoid awkwardness when someone asks questions about your personal life, but eventually that feeling will subside and you'll tell them whatever you want to tell them deep-down. love ya girls.