Thursday, July 29, 2010

Assuming makes an ass out of you and me...or less money in your pocket...

A very dear friend of mine told me a something that happened to her a couple of weeks ago and I got a kick out of it. I thought I would share it with you to either make you laugh or to open your eyes a little bit. My friend is tall, beautiful and bald. Before you start assuming she is going through treatments and has a terminal illness I will tell you she is perfectly healthy. Oh and no, she isn't just one of those girls who shaves her head. She actually has alopecia. This is when someone loses their hair. She has eyelashes, eyebrows and a strip of hair that grows on her shin. She does get a little peach fuzz if she comes to Utah at the right time of year.

One night she and her friend who also has alopecia were out to Applebee's for dinner with her friend's family. When they asked for their check the waitress told them someone had covered the meal. The people on the other table thought they had cancer...What was my friend's view on this? "Yes! A free meal!" I got a kick out of this. I hope you like it too. Ü

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

To the BEST girlfriend in the world!

Sam made my birthday so wonderful this year! She knows me so well. I love birthdays to extend longer than just the actual day. She not only got me one of my favorite movies and some clothes but a trip to Seattle!!! I'm so excited! If you are aware of this trip you should know that I have NO idea what we're doing there. I just know we are going and the rest will be a surprise when I get there. Thanks Sam for another great birthday!
I have been SUPER stressed this week and Sam is the perfect girlfriend for it. She puts up with me and just holds me and listens. She is actually a really great problem solver if I would only take her advice. Please continue to be patient with me babe.
I don't know who all you suckers are with but I truly am the luckiest!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

This Doesn't Make Me A Stalker

I had to walk to the store today, I just had to. The sun was mocking me through my window, screaming for me to bask in it.
As I reached a crosswalk, while waiting for the hand to turn into a person, the guy in front of me, gave me a quick glance and a half smile. As we began walking, I normally would have kept my eyes to the ground, so as not to seem creepy, in case this guy had eyes in the back of his head. But today, I happened to stare as I strolled. He had a steady stride while listening to his iPod through his old school headphones. The thick, black rope of a leash was coiled around his right hand several times, leading to the neck of his faithful black lab; while an iced mocha in a clear plastic cup was held from the top in his left. His shoes had tears and holes as if to say they had been put to good use, and his feet leaned slightly inward with each step, just like my Elise. I could see the tanline on the back of his calves as he kept his pace, with dark blue jeans, cut off at the knees. Mosquito bite on the back of his right calf. I hate mosquito bites. His keys were linked to his belt loop by a blue carabiner; the kind that says NOT FOR CLIMBING, just like my purple one. A single keychain - IRELAND - with the flag behind the writing, hung among his keys. Has he been to Ireland? Does he have Irish blood? Is it his dream place to visit? He wore a yellow T-shirt, and just barely under each sleeve were tattoos that poked out when his arms swayed. He also had a tattoo of a comic book-esque lightning bolt on his right forearm. Did his tats have meaning? Or were they purchased after one too many bottles of Beer? Did he regret getting any of them? His arms were thin, his elbows slightly darker than his arms; I could see a vein going down his left forearm. So many men have thick veins sticking out of their arms. His hair was shortly trimmed in back, slightly longer in front; dark brown. The back, bottom part of his hair had a hardly noticeable knick in it, almost as if the razor had been knocked while trimming. I couldn't tell if it was a hairdresser mistake, or just his hairline. His sideburns were more like Wolverine chops, but not quite as thick.
After my three blocks of observing, he finally led his dog right, down Park Avenue. I continued gaily forward and wondered if he turned to get away from his potential stalker, or if his destination truly lay down Park Avenue. I'll never know. And I'll most likely never see him again. But I'm glad I took notice; it made my walk quicker and more interesting. It gave my brain a chance to ask questions and imagine possible answers. I hope to take such intense interest in everything put before me from now on. I'm sure life will become more colorful.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Why can't I just be gay?!

I am envious of those gay people who can be gay. I know I'm in a relationship with a girl and our friends and family know about us, but why can't I be a little braver? I'm not ashamed to be with Sam and I don't think it's wrong. I'm not saying we need to show people we're gay by being affectionate in public and shouting it to the world. Every time I run into an old friend and I'm asked if I'm dating someone I answer in one of two ways.

#1 Ya, so how is it living downtown? (quick subject change).
#2's complicated. (It's not complicated at all! It's actually very clear!)

Also, when I first meet someone I'm scared to tell them I'm dating a girl. Again, when asked if I'm seeing someone. The thing is, I'm not "dating" anyone. I'm living with her and she is my companion, my partner or whatever you want to call it.

I think the issue is I'm afraid of making them feel uncomfortable or how they will feel about me after. Quite honestly if they don't want anything to do with me for being gay then I don't want them in my life anyway. I need to "grow a pair" and let other people know how happy I am. By not telling I feel like it's saying I'm ashamed to be with Sam or ashamed to be gay. I'm not. I know time makes it easier but I'm wondering if anyone has a good book to recommend or anything to help me out.


Saturday, July 10, 2010

I am me...

It's 10:30pm on the dot. I'm usually tucked into bed by now because I'm so anxious that I have to wake up at 5:30 for work. (My roommates like to mock me and call me the grandma of the house.) Sam is usually trying to calm my fears of having too many check outs or dealing with angry guests. It's funny I've worked my job for over a year now and I must say I'm pretty good at it, but my anxiety hasn't lessened much. Sam is at the drive-in with the Jenkins' and that is why I am wide awake making a post.

I had to evaluate myself tonight on my drive home because I have grown dependant all over again. When Sam and I first met it was rare to see us without each other. We were inseparable. We loved being together and it's hard for me to admit but it was a little unhealthy. I'll probably never admit to that again - maybe because it was the words her mom repeated daily or because I see it coming back.

I have been sick all day. All I wanted was Sam. I wanted her to be home to force me to gargle hot salt water, make me stay in bed and tickle my back. She was at work so I was counting down the minutes when I could finally have her to myself! My brother's surprise party was tonight so the plan was for me to go to that and then for her to drive out after her costume fitting and make it for the end of the party. It was kind of silly for her to drive all the way out to Ogden but she really wanted to be there so she was going to do it. I kept telling her, "No, it's okay really. I'll just see you when I get home." Inside I was pleased when she kept saying she would make the drive. I got a call from her when I was blocks away from the party, " We got an invite to go to the drive-in with the Jenkins'. It was clear I wasn't going to make it when they wanted to be there at 8:30 and the party didn't started until 7 in Ogden. Sam was going to go without me.

This probably wouldn't be a big deal to anyone else but to me it was awful. I had the entire night's plan made up in my mind (this is VERY typical of me). I was upset. I didn't answer her calls for a number of reasons. 1. I wanted to show her I was upset. 2. I didn't want to cry. 3. I didn't want to make her feel guilty and not go have fun with her family by saying something stupid.

This was a big problem for me. I'm not talking about the fact she went to the movie because quite honestly it doesn't even matter anymore. The problem is I am right back were I used to be. I discussed this with my roommates when I got home. It was about a year ago that I overcame (or thought I did) all of this. I grew into an independent woman. I didn't have Sam around and the person I was seeing gave me very little of their time. Although those months were a trying time in my life I grew more than I ever have. When Sam and I moved in together I noticed things like this didn't bother me and I was okay with going to bed alone at night.

I am back exactly where I used to be.

It's time for change.

I am me.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Fam Damily

Well, I guess it's about time I dedicated a post to two of the most important groups of people to me: my family and hers. I'll start with Elise's.
Throughout my whole life, honesty has been #1 on my list of traits I want to have and want from others. I hate lying, lies, anything of the sort, it always gets you in trouble. Have I lied before? Yes. Do I regret those times? Definitely. The first lie I can remember telling was when I was in elementary school, maybe 3rd grade. My friend's little brother had one of those bendy toothbrushes that you were SUPPOSED to be able to bend every which way and it would be fine. So I tested it. It snapped in half. Stupid, cheap toothbrush. A couple hours later, this little boy found his precious toothbrush in ruins, and cried to his mommy. She asked his sister and me if we knew what happened. "No, I don't know..." I said with cottonmouth and a sick stomach. I couldn't breathe the rest of the day. I'm not sure how long I waited before I ended up crying to their mom and telling her it was me, but the relief was so sweet. From then on, every lie I ever told, that toothbrush memory haunted me, and I always ended up telling the truth. Now that I'm older, I realize how damaging lying is to begin with, so I just don't do it.
When I met Elise and things eventually began happening between her and me, lying made it's way back into my life. Not lying, necessarily, but not telling the WHOLE truth. Which, to some, is just the same. She and I both lived for a long time keeping our secret, not because we wanted to hurt anyone, but because we were terrified. Scared of what people would think, of hurting our loved ones, of going to Hell, of being separated, and so on. I lived with her parents when things were going on, and because of my living there, some members of Elise's family strongly disliked me for betraying their parents and using them, which I can guarantee was not my intention. We tried so hard to just be friends, to ignore our feelings for each other. I loved her family, and didn't want to abuse their generosity to me. I realize that that is what I did, to an extent, even though I never MEANT to. I regret hurting them more than they'll ever know. Once the truth came out to her whole family, things were difficult for some time. I wasn't looked at or talked to for a while. I deserved it. Her amazing, understanding, kind parents forgave me first. I put them through a lot, and yet they welcomed me into their home and fed me meals, and made conversation with me. They will never know how much their kindness meant to me. The sisters came around next, and forgave me. They would talk to me at dinners and not avoid eye contact. Now, they are some of my favorite friends. The brother and brothers-in-law were harder on me. Cold and unforgiving at first, which I hated but understood. Each of them had their own reasons to avoid me, and I would often cry to Elise about how much I wish I could clear things up and make them see that I never meant to hurt or wrong anyone. After many family outings, each of them came around at different times and in different ways. Some would simply make eye contact with me again, others would start conversations, and my favorite - they began joking around with me again. I didn't care how long it took, when each of these family members allowed me back into their lives, I grew inside more and more. My capacity to forgive others and to be welcoming to all has grown because of how Elise's family showed me. I love each of them more than they can ever know, and am grateful to them.
Now for mine. I know this is long, and perhaps no one will ever read it all through, but it's helping me to type it all out. Mom and Dad: I came to you guys when this all began, and Dad gave spiritual advice while Mom held me and we cried. You both asked questions, did research, tried to understand, and tried to help me in the way you thought was best. I am so grateful for your love. Now you both know I'm serious about Elise, and that even though I no longer attend church, I have a deep love, respect, and connection to the LDS gospel. You are respectful of that. Mom still gives me speeches about my lifestyle and how she worries, and church talks, but not as much, and it just shows me how much she loves me. She just pushes me her way because it's what she believes is right, and I respect that more than she knows. Mom has come a very very long way with her relationship with Elise. She used to not be able to be in the same room as Elise, but has tried so hard to get past that, and now can have quite a fun time with her and me. Mom, I know you don't support our relationship, you never will, but I hope you know it means the world to me just that you are kind to Elise. You give us food, holiday gifts, you welcomed Elise for Christmas, you welcome us into your home, it all means the world to both of us. Dad- you may have had a tough time with this at first, but you were always open-minded and respectful. You only gave advice when I asked for it, and I always knew you were there. You've developed a great friendship with Elise, she adores you, and we both love our conversations and memories with you. I know where you stand religiously as well, but you don't push that on us, and I appreciate it. I have been extremely blessed with two incredible parents who I love more than life. Thank you.
C & B: The oldest sister and her husband. Such open-minded people, who I am grateful to be related to. C - you didn't even really cry when I told you about my feelings for Elise. You just nodded your head and listened. You didn't look angry or disappointed, even if you were. Your arms were open and you've been there for me ever since. You're always the first one I go to and I love talking with you. You always have great advice, you're not afraid to state your opinion, and you're always welcoming and friendly. I love that about you. B - you never judged us. You said you had made mistakes in the past, and weren't one to judge others. I appreciate your non-judgemental attitude and how nice you are to Elise and me. We've had fun times with you two and my adorable nephew, and can't wait for more. My sisters are my best friends, and I'm grateful for you.
L & M: I lived with you guys when my relationship with Elise was finally becoming more. In fact, it was in my tiny bedroom downstairs in your house that I most often sobbed my eyes out and prayed for answers and wrote pros & cons lists nonstop. You both tried to help me through it when I was undecisive, and after your time of grieving, you've both been respectful and loving to Elise and me, even though you don't agree with it. L - I'll never forget how you risked everything for me that one dramatic night, to save me from getting kicked out. And M - I completely understand why you did it. It was too stressful for you guys to have to worry about me, and I'm sorry for all I put you through. My sister, even though you constantly make fun of me, it's so obvious how much you love me, and our friendship means the world to me.You both have always cared about me and I know M always expected to interview and have to approve some great guy for me, so it was quite a shock for me to be with a girl. You're both incredible people who I adore and thank you for always being there for me. We love being able to joke around with you guys, play games, and have great conversations. Tap, tap, tap.
A & K: our relationship is still growing. You guys have had the hardest time with this, and I can understand that. Everyone has different views and needs, and sometimes people just don't agree on things. That's ok. We're family. We always will be. I appreciate how far you both have come as far as trying to understand us, and being more comfortable around us. I know it's a constant struggle, and I'll always have open arms to you both and your adorable son, who I love more than words can say. I know we don't agree on some things, but so far we're still making efforts to understand each other, and effort is always good. A- you're my brother. You hold a special place in my heart, and always will. It kills me to think about how much our close friendship has changed, but I'm happy that you're still there. You mean so much to me, and I hate knowing you're disappointed in me, but I hope you see how happy I am. I am grateful that you guys are kind to Elise, and that you recognize she is a great person. I know it's our relationship that bothers you, not us as individuals, and for now, I'll take what I can get. Thank you for continuing to try, and for being a part of my life still. You could have easily never spoken to me again, or other harsh things, but you haven't. I'm grateful for that. I love you guys and hope sooner than later, that we can develop a closer relationship.
Aunt C - the best Aunt in the world! I was afraid to tell you about my relationship, because I had no clue what your feelings about the subject were, but you didn't even bat an eyelash. You made sure I knew that you loved me just as much as always, and you asked questions to get a better understanding. You're great to Elise, and you continue to spoil me. You're the Aunt I hope to be to my own nieces and nephews, and I've learned so much from you through the years. You love people unconditionally, and always are giving to others. I love you with all my heart. :)
Well, my fingers are tired now. This post was mostly for me. I needed to express my love for family. I am truly blessed with the people in my life. I encourage everyone to never give up when it comes to family. No matter what they're doing in life, never let them go. I love you guys.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Little bit of venting...

I need to vent. I cannot handle ignorant people. I have such a short tolerance for them it's ridiculous. I mean ignorant people who have no desire to hear others opinions or even listen to the facts. There is someone in my life who I have no other option but to associate with them and see them on a regular basis. I try so hard to hear their side of things but then when I want to comment I'm rudely interrupted with either a head shake accompanied by a sarcastic roll of the eyes or a "no." It's not just the gay thing (although that is the biggest). It's the color of skin, it's how someone walks, it's someones name and sometimes I feel like it is literally how someone puts their pants on in the morning. You think someone this extreme I would just be able to laugh it off but it affects too many people. People I care about. I hate feeling anger. I hate how he affects me. If anyone has any advice on letting this go please let me know. This one person is the only one person who really has this kind of affect on me and I'm sure they love it.

4th of July Pictures!

For Quinn

Hey you, Mr. Lonely. You have somebody. ME. I may be far, but my ears are always available. You mean so much to me, and after listening to some of your "alogs" and reading a few other posts, I can't believe how terrible of a friend I've been to you. I apologize. I know you so well, listening to you tell about the mask you wear, and how you really feel in big groups, I already knew all of it! I know you better than you think. And I wanna be a better friend. I love you, my friend. Ever since junior year when I invited you to sit at lunch with me. :) Don't forget that.
Sammy June

Sunday, July 4, 2010

A new 4th of July experience

People find it strange that the 4th is my favorite holiday - but it is! My family has always celebrated the 4th, I don't think any bigger or better than any other family. We do the parade/5k in the morning, swimming/BBQ in the afternoon and then go watch fireworks in the evening. I love tradition and hate when it's tampered with. I always figured I'd grow up to marry a man and we could still do all of our family traditions because I feel like often times couples end up going to the wife's family functions more than the husband's. (It's an assumption.)

Yesterday Sam's family all got together and were doing the same type of thing my family does. Sam said, "We can do your family this year and mine next year if you want, or I'll do my family and you do yours?" First, I thought the world stopped favorite holiday would be ruined! I felt so selfish, had a little pity party and quickly got over it. I was going to make both families work. I wanted to spend it with Sam and I absolutely adore her family so how bad could it be?

We skipped out on the parade and the beginning of my family BBQ. We drove down to her sister's, talked, had a little lunch and went to a little water park. I had such a good time. I got to play with her nieces and nephews, talk with the adults and be a kid myself while teaching Sam's oldest niece some tricks and games in the pool. When it came time to leave I was actually disappointed it was already time to go. We took off mid-afternoon and made it to the swimming party and fireworks at my sister's. Sam even got a few games of basketball in with my siblings.

This was a great 4th of July. I felt like I spent it with 2 of my families. It felt complete and was one of the best 4th of July's I've had in my 24 years. I got to spend it with twice as many people and I loved every second of it.