Life is Good

I went to bed last night around 2am and continued to let my thoughts keep me awake.

When I couldn't sleep last night I saw the kitchen light come on upstairs just before midnight, I immediately jumped out of bed so excited someone else was still awake. There was Taylor preparing the coffee maker so he couldn't get in trouble again for not fulfilling his duty. Ü

We began to talk about what was bothering me and causing me to not be dreaming at that very moment. The majority of it was work related, worried about letting people down and other things not working out. We talked about other issues in each others' lives. We moved into the living room because we could tell this conversation would not be ending shortly. We continued to try to solve the huge crisis' we face in our lives and it slowly developed into more serious conversation.

Without going into too much detail (only because it makes me emotional and I'm not in a good place to let that happen) we talked about the struggles going on in India. He talked about one of the classes he is currently in and as we sat there at 1 in the morning he educated me on something I had known nothing of. As cliche as this sounds, suddenly my problems became a lot less important.

It was like my soul Elise told my body Elise, "You aren't that important."

I worry way too much about how I am going to affect people, but when it comes down to it people only really care about themselves. Even bigger than that there ARE bigger problems in this world than mine. It was just another ah-ha moment I needed to have.

I am a very lucky person. I have a life partner who couldn't possibly make me any happier, good friends, good family...I feel like that should be followed with great food but I'll skip it. I am a happy person, a very happy person.

Elise

Just A Smidgen, Relating To Religion

I'm the kind of person who wants to please everyone. I know that's not possible. When I contemplated being with Elise for three and a half long years, I always wanted to please everyone but myself. Ok, I won't be with her, for all of you. Ok, I'll be with you for you. Finally, after a lot of painful lessons, I learned that I, myself, wanted to be with Elise. I loved her deeply, like I had never loved anyone before, and there was no more denying or postponing that. So, we moved in together last August 15th, and haven't looked back since. But I disappointed a lot of people that I care a lot about.

"Do what's right for YOU," is advice I was often told when people learned of others' uncomfortable feelings about me. The problem is, there's not just one "right" for me. I want to make my parents and siblings proud, I want to give Elise the world, I want to stand for what I believe in, I want to love those who hate me, I want to serve selflessly. I guess doing all those things at once IS possible, but only in certain ways; never fully.

My family will always love me, and even be proud of most things I accomplish in my life, but there will always be the fact that I'm with a girl. Elise will always be there for me, but will always worry when I'm in quiet, contemplative moods. My spirituality and belief in God will always exist fully inside me, but not be shown in the same ways as growing up. I will always TRY to be patient and loving to those I don't get along with, but I will always think thoughts or say things I shouldn't. I will always try to find ways to serve, but there will always be times when I get lazy and skip out on deserving projects. Win, win situations never stay that way.

But it doesn't mean we shouldn't strive for them anyway. I know there are quite a few people in my life who disagree with the path I've chosen. And that's okay. I respect that. No one ever has to support, condone, or even like that I am with another girl, but I am. And most importantly, I'm still me. Talking about no one in particular - does it make you better than me to avoid contact with me now that you know I'm gay? (It's complicated, so I'm just saying "gay" even though I just love people) Does it make you unclean if you touch me? Or will it rub off on your baby if I hold them? Does it make you better than me if you pray for me to "change" every night, but yet give me cold stares and avoid really talking to me? If I sound bitter, I guess I am at the moment. But in reality, I know I'm fortunate and blessed. I have so many wonderful people in my life that do still love me, and a lot who my path didn't make an ounce of difference to. All of my family and Elise's make constant effort to understand and love us, even though they don't support "us". And I hope they all know how much I appreciate that.

I am...a girl. A daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, aunt, cousin, and friend. I love acting, basketball, drawing, eating, traveling, reading, writing, organizing, scrapbooking, hiking, and learning. I don't shave my legs nearly enough, but it's blonde hair so I don't care. I like to be clean. I like puppies and horses. I love desserts, mashed potatoes, pasta, chocolate, and sushi. I don't drink or do drugs, and can honestly and proudly say nothing of that sort has ever even touched my lips. I don't care what others do as long as they're good people and can positively effect me in any way. I love to listen. I love to make people laugh. I eventually want to travel the world, and serve in as many different places as possible. I love my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I believe in them just as strongly as I ever have, and always will. I try not to hold grudges. I try to learn from my mistakes, and not only never make them again, but do other things even better to one-up my mistakes. I am human. I definitely make mistakes a lot; but that's part of what makes life so interesting.

If you've known me most of my life, or if you just met me; please...keep all of those things in mind when thinking of me. Not that I'm making a choice you'd never make. Love me for me.

The Little Things...

I love Sam.

She is so perfect for me. We are going to Seattle in less than 2 days! Every once in a while she'll do something big for me but it's the little things that I love the most.

I am a morning person but not a 5:30 morning person. I have a tough time getting up for work so I usually leave myself with 20 minutes to get ready and then I'm in a rush. Often times I don't have time to eat breakfast and even worse I don't pack a lunch. I work 10 hour days so it's not easy to go all day without eating. Everyday this week Sam has got up with me and made me a lunch. It has made my week that much easier.

She goes to the gym everyday with me even if she doesn't want to.

She talks to me while she lays in bed in the morning on my way to work so I don't fall asleep.

She shares her very favorite candybar with me without a second thought. (and she hates to share)

She lets me talk her ear off and she actually listens.

She helps me watch my neices and nephews after a long day of work when she is pooped.

She gives me extra kisses and loves on my bad days.

Did I mention, she makes me laugh harder than anyone could ever try?

I love Sam.

Happy Birthday!

22 years ago my little sister was born. I'm sad to say I hate where we are now but I would rather talk about the previous years because today is a good day, a celebration of her life.

Frankie Jill was the sweetest child. Sure, most children are sweet but she didn't have anything bad to say. She was friends with everyone. She had friends of every shape and color. She was friends with the disabled and the geeks. Frankie LOVED to talk. She would strike up a conversation with anyone, stranger or not. I feel like I owe me being out going as an adult to her. I was extremely shy as a kid but I had just as many friends as Franks because everywhere we went she would pull me around and say, "I'm Frankie and this is my big sister Elise!" She always made sure I had friends and was included. When I reached 3rd grade I was just as loud and talkative as she was.

When high school came around I was so excited to share my senior year with my sister at the same school. I went to lunch with her as often as she'd let me and we'd hang out sometimes on the weekends. Frankie and I just had a good time together. We would laugh until we cried and only fought on occasion. We were really close in high school.

Frankie is like my little baby in a way. I feel this need to take care of her. I have a hard time with her growing up...I know she can do great things and I want her to fulfill whatever her purpose is on this earth and nothing less. I have so many days when I just want to go to her house and pick her up. I want to turn on the music and drive until I'm out of gas. I was to listen to her, I want to understand.

Frankie Jill is one of my very favorite people. She has had a lot of experience in these short 22 years and I'm glad to have been apart of it. She truly is amazing.

I love you, Little Sister.

The Monster Inside Me

As I write this with tears ready to burst through the floodgates for no good reason, I'm looking at my sweet girlfriend laying in bed, on her side with only her right leg outstretched over the bedspread. This is probably the first time she's slept in - in weeks.

I am emotional right now, not only because I'm receiving my annual visit from Aunt Flo, but also because I get short waves of depression, usually based on life-happenings. I'm a happy person, I am aware of all the wonderful things I've been blessed with, and the amazing people I'm lucky to have in my life. But this monster inside me refuses to leave for good. Most of the time he sleeps (although I'm sure Elise would argue that), but when he does wake, I become a different person. I've never wanted medication because I've never felt it was often enough to prescribe, but he's coming around a lot lately, and I feel it's because I'm enticing him myself.

What is my deal?

I seem to ask myself that a lot lately. When I'm depressed, I shut down, become quiet, I'm sure everyone knows the routine, but most of all, I become a jerk to the love of my life. I lash out on her the most, probably because I know she'll still love me when my monster retreats. But there's no excuse, I want her to know I'm sorry. I have an imagination that wanders and invents a hundred stories for every one reality. The things my mind comes up with scare me, and make me worried and paranoid about things I shouldn't worry about.

Trust and Honesty are at the top of my list of qualities I want for myself, and in my significant other. Elise - you have that, and everything else on the list of my dream person. You're all I could ask for and more. We'll blame it on the period that I'm crying now, just thinking about how lucky I am, but please know that I know. I know I have the girl everyone wants.

I apologize for every time I've let my monster get the best of me, and every time he will in the future. Please stick with me. Be patient. We've gotten through worse, and will continue to fight life's battles hand in hand. I love you, Elise. So much more than I can ever explain in words. Always.

-Sam

The Sky

Sometimes people (including my very own girlfriend) think I get a little overzealous when it comes to natures beauty. When I see a colorful sunset I have no other way to describe it other than making ooooing and ahhhing sounds and repeating again and again how beautiful it is. It sounds a bit annoying I know, but it only lasts for a short moment and I don't want anyone to miss it. Sunsets are my absolute favorite. Of course I would love to be on the beaches of Hawaii watching the sunset but I have NEVER seen a sunset like the ones here in Utah. I don't know if it's the pollution or the lake but something makes it different, more colorful.

I also love the sunrises...if I'm up early enough to see them. As much as I complain about getting my butt out of bed at 4:30 am Wednesday mornings it becomes worth it when I see the bright pink sky. Ah! I love it! It has been far too long since I have woken up early by choice to see the sunrise. That's pretty sad.

I also have to mention the night sky. I was in Bear Lake last week and was lucky enough to see the crazy stars a few of the nights. I actually saw my first 2 shooting stars in one night! They're so damn fast I couldn't even make a wish. I love the night sky away from the city lights, unreal.

I am a person who tends to get caught up in little, stupid, unimportant things and let them get to me. I worry until I pass out. When I can start a morning with a bright sunrise, end the day with a colorful sunset and those times I'm lucky enough to see the starry sky at night before my head hits my pillow my life seems much more at ease.

Thank you sky and whoever it is that makes it so beautiful.

One Year & Counting!

My girl and I celebrated our one year mark of living together (as a couple) on August 15th. Woo! It went by fast, and I couldn't have asked for a better person to share my life with, let alone my closet space with. :) Baha. Weese, even though you often leave your clothes scattered on the floor in your early morning rush to get to work, I still love living with you. We balance each other out so well, and our decor styles are so similar. You will always be my favorite person, best friend, and soulmate. I love you!!

-Sam