Thinking Makes Me Think.

While randomly thinking of one of my favorite songs: I Am Not A Robot, by Marina & The Diamonds, I remembered a quote in the song that you hear everywhere. It's the quote that more or less says: "Better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you're not." And that got me thinking some more...

It's so true, but yet sometimes so hard to follow through with. I am definitely a people pleaser. I don't like hurting feelings, I don't like contention, and I don't enjoy embarrassing others; so I usually stay quiet even when I wish I had the guts to speak up.

I'm realizing more and more that occasionally those things are just gonna happen. I cannot please everyone, and if I always try, I will always be disappointed.

I want to start speaking up when I witness someone mistreating another, or when I hear gossip, or even little things like telling the waiter when the food is cold; like my mom so easily does. :)

Speaking of my mom, she's a good example of advocating for yourself. Ever since I can remember, she's gotten us free movie tickets, a free meal voucher, or a simple apology from public places because she's not afraid to speak up. She doesn't do it to get free things, though that is an added bonus, she does it because why should she have to remain unsatisfied while the place remains clueless? They want to give you great service anyway, and how can they fix it without you telling them? So thanks Mom, for being a brave example. I sure do love you.

I need to buck up and be more brave. I have to say though, I've come a long way since my teens, when I was too scared to even call Domino's for a pizza delivery. Now I just need to step out of the shadows when others need an advocate. I'd rather stand up for what I believe is right and maybe get the stink eye and some yelling in my face, than silently let it happen while I look the other way.

Nothing in particular happened in my life recently to make me post this. I was just pondering that quote, and typed out my thoughts.

-Sam

All Before 11am

What a great start to today. I was already in fight with Sam before 8am this morning. (Don't worry Carolyn it's nothing big and it's now resolved, I'm just mentioning it so you can get a full picture of how my day has gone.) I didn't even want to be up before 8 o'clock but because of the arguing there was no chance I was going back to bed. It's a good thing someone was on the phone with their boyfriend on the street in front of us arguing about whether or not they were official or because that's a very important thing to discuss in front of our apartment at 3:06 in the morning. After Sam left for work I wasn't alone for long, Taylor came in to try to get a little spoonage before he went to his training. I was grumpy so he didn't get much more than a few pinches, slaps and a kick or two. I accompanied him to the tennis store and to get coffee. The entire time I was ready to vomit. As soon as he dropped me off he informed me that I had a parking violation. I made sure to move my car before we left so this didn't happen. Now I have a ticket to dispute. Stupid officer, get your job right. As soon as I reached the bathroom in our apartment the vomiting started. How is it possible that some women go through life without a cramp and my cramps cause things such as this? Clearly I'm feeling sorry for myself and would prefer to just go climb in bed and cry and sleep for the rest of the day but instead I'll get my coat and head out the door for work. I'm sure this day could be much worse but being the first day of my period I just want to bitch and have people feel sorry for me. Ha. So there.

Baby Hungry

I've REALLY wanted a baby since I was about 15, maybe even younger. I don't mean wanted a baby somewhere in the distant future, I mean want a baby now. It's funny because people are constantly telling me you don't really want a baby now. Babies are a lot harder than you think. Once you have a baby your life will never be the same. I also think a lot of my family just assumes I'll never have kids. I will have kids. That is one thing in life I am 100% positive I want.

Right now I'm looking at about age 30. I don't want to wait that long, my mom already had 3 babies and a miscarriage by then. I know I need to have more money to be able to provide and figure out how Sam and I could work and have a baby. The only problem is if Sam and I want to adopt we probably shouldn't wait until we're 30. I just saw a lesbian couple the other day who had an adorable new born, these women were probably in their 40's. I found out it took them 7 years to get that baby! 7 years! That is crazy.

Lesbians are expected to be way too patient. haha. Maybe in 5 years Sam will be ready to have a baby!

New Place, New Start

With a new place, hopefully will come a new start.

Elise and I have made it through some really tough times, and are overcoming another now. I'm so grateful for her patience and unconditional love, I don't tell her enough how amazing she is. I've put her through the ringer this time, and I think we see light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you, Weese, for everything.

One of Life's Little Lessons

It has been a very interesting week as far as work, my relationship and just life goes.

I felt so awful when I got the phone call from my mom telling me one of the very few friends I still keep in contact with from high school lost her mom. She was an amazing woman and I know she was Lindsey's best friend. Lindsey was raised by her mom because she lost her dad at a very young age, I swear some people get all the hard stuff. You wouldn't know it by looking at Lindsey. She has such a positive and chill attitude, just like her mama did. I cannot imagine losing my mom right now and the thought of not having either of my parents is unbearable for me.

As Sam and I walked into the viewing I noticed there weren't a lot of tears, well except for mine of course. It had been forever since I saw Linds. We gave each other a good long hug and immediately got into the general conversations people do. I had prepared myself going in that I wouldn't say any of the shit that people don't want to hear. "She's in a better place," "Time heals all wounds," "You'll see her again someday." I know a lot of people reading this won't agree with me and that's fine but I feel like sometimes people just need to be told, "I'm here for you and I love you." No matter what you believe. I feel often times people are pushing people to move on before they even get the chance to mourn.

It was so good to see Lindsey and immediately I was filled with guilt. I felt horrible for not keeping in contact, for not knowing her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago! Shortly after, I was so glad she was back in my life. She's an amazing person and I see so much of her mom in her.

I had just planned on going to the viewing because Sam had work the next day and I didn't want to be sobbing in the pews solo at the funeral. When I told Lindsey this she said her and her brother would be sitting on the stand and I was welcome to join them, I believe her exact words were, "Sinners welcome." haha. Even though my girl didn't make it to the funeral with me Taylor did. There were definitely lots of tears and more laughs than I expected...I was glad he was there, even if my crying did make him uncomfortable.

I always walk away from funerals with a fresh new outlook on life. Whether it's that I need to live life more fully, tell those around me how much I love them or in this case to not sweat the small stuff. Patti was an amazing woman who very rarely let the small stuff get her down. Life is too short to let that stuff slow you down. Mine and Sams' relationship has most definitely been tested the last 4 months but we're pulling through. I think if we keep in mind how in love we are and how happy we make each other the little things won't matter so much. It's okay to disagree as long as at the end of the day we're playing for the same team. (no pun intended.)