ONE MORE YEAR!!!

Well folks...it looks like we're sticking around for yet another year. We've already received some crap and i'm sure there is more on the way, but we'll just have to take it. I'm so excited that we get another year with our roommates, friends and families. (Other than the Sorenson's who will be deeply missed.)
It's been pretty clear all along that I haven't been stoked to go, so the decision to stay had to come from my lovely girlfriend. It didn't take more than a half of a second to convince me. This year I hope to accomplish a lot. I wanted to go back to school but apparently 2 weeks before the sememster starts isn't enough time. I'm planning on applying to the U and hopefully I can join the university for Spring sememster. Sam and I are both very excited to participate in the Dirty Dash with our sisters next month. Sam and I have always wanted to do a race together, but unfortunately this one won't be it. She is going to be on a team with her sister Lindsay and some friends, and I'll be on a team with my sisters and some friends. One day Sam, one day. If I could only convince Sam to marry me in the next year that would be awesome. I think she wants to wait until we're home from LA but that could be another 3 years or more, I should have a child by then!
I feel happy to be able to stay in Utah another year and I hope to live up every last second of it. So excited to start it off with a trip to Bear Lake with the family!

Ch-ch-ch-church!

I went to church today.

It's always interesting to attend church when it was all you knew your entire life and now it's just somewhere I go to hear a family member speak, sing or like today, a baby blessing.

As most people know Sam has a very strong testimony of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints and I do not. It's hard for me to sit still in my pew and listen to things that are said. I strongly disagree with a lot of things that are said and I think people are oblivious to what they are saying and who it's affecting. I am reminded each time why I no longer attend church.

Half way through testimony meeting I leaned over to Sam and said, "Now it's your turn." She responded with, "I actually thought about it." I would have LOVED for Sam to go up and share her testimony with the members of the congregation, my family specifically. Someone who has every reason to disagree with the church, yet still loves it and supports it. While I stir uncomfortably in my seat, Sam experiences feelings of peace and love.

I have a lot to learn from Sam. Not that I should agree or believe what she does, but to relax. I was in the position of so many of the people in the chapel today for over 20 years. How can I be so quick to get offended and be angry at people who are living what they believe?

If I can't soften my heart and try to come to a place of understanding and love, then going to church isn't a place for me. So, since I would hate to miss out on separating my two nieces during sacrament because they have a case of the giggles, or winking back and forth at my nephews, I better change something. The church isn't going to be changing so I might as well. I know what members believe and I know what's going to be said before I enter those doors. Therefore, it's my choice to go and take a seat.

I am thankful for the life experiences I have had and that my mind has been opened. I have been able to have a better understanding of so many people I used to fear. I love the people in my life from every end of the spectrum.

Pride for Pride?

I never thought I'd go to the Pride Parade, even after I comfortably came out and moved in with Elise. I thought I'd be happy being me, but not go to events that showed off what I was scared to be. Now...I've been twice.

It's definitely an interesting experience, being around so many others just like me. Perhaps these people enjoying the parade were raised a certain religion that teaches against their being gay, perhaps they had no religion at all. Maybe their parents kicked them out when they came out, maybe they embraced them more. All these people at or in this parade are either gay, or support their friends and family who are. That is why I go to the parade. I don't go to flaunt anything, or to offend anyone; I go to surround myself for one day of the year with people who know what it's like to be gay and have to face the same adversities. Everyone needs to feel support and unity, and this is the day for the gays. ;)

I don't fully understand though, why people who are into whips and chains and tickle torture are in the same parade...I guess it's because Pride celebrates diversity and alternative lifestyles more so than just homosexuality. I just don't love that people tie all those things together with being gay though, because then the people who already don't like gay people assume we're all the same. We're not, obviously. I'm not into leather chaps, dancing at clubs, handcuffs, sleeping around, drinking, or anything like that. But I am gay. And I do love a lot of people who are into such things. They're great people too.

I don't really have a point to all that. As usual, I'm just writing whatever comes to my brain.

I love you, Elise. Above any pride I might have for being gay, I am proud you're mine.

Here'th Lookin' At You, Kidth.

I'm in the mood to write to my babies, who unfortunately for me, are not all babies any more.

-Aunt Sam

Chase,

I used to call you Fidget, cuz that's all you ever did as a baby. Now you're three, in glasses, and throwing free throws like a pro! Every time Mom and Dad leave, you're the best kid to babysit, Chase. I love being around you because you're full of energy and your smile is contagious. You always say the funniest things, and already know so much about BYU sports, I'm sure I'll be watching you in a college game one day. I wish I saw you more, but never forget that your Aunt Sam loves you!

Baby Taylor,

You're starting to gain a personality, LorLor, and I think you and I are gonna have a great bond. You have the best laugh, and I love seeing how you're taking in the whole world. I can't wait to see you grow! I love you!

Audrey,

Not just my first niece, but the first person on Earth to give me the official title of "Aunt." Unlike the rest of your siblings, you never went through a phase of "I only want mommy and never Aunt Sam." You liked me through it all. I learned so much with you, Audrey, at my young age of 13; like how to change nasty diapers, how to bottle feed, and you taught me more patience, of course. I can still remember I was in my middle school drama class, sitting on the spotlit stage with my whole class, listening to Mr. Timmons' comedic demonstration when my name was called over the intercom. I wasn't expecting to get to leave school early, but I knew right away why I was called to the office. I told my class as I left, "I'm an aunt today!" and they cheered as I ran out into the hall. Ever since the day you were born, I haven't stopped bragging about you, and all my other babies after you. "IIII have a waaand..." will always be one of my favorite memories of you, but now you're 10 years old and so creative, you make me proud. Audrey Madison, no matter what this life throws at you, your Aunt Sam will ALWAYS be here for you. If you ever need to call me and tell me a funny story, or vent about something bad that happened, I want to be that person you know you can call at three a.m. I cherish every picture, card, picture book, performance, basketball game, and hug. You're the sweetest big sister and cousin, and the best oldest niece I could have asked for. I'm doing our secret handshake in my head....I love you.

Dallin,

My sweet, sweet Bub, who gives the best hugs EVER! You, my oldest nephew, are gonna be a heart breaker one day. You know just how to woo the ladies, no matter what age. I love your raspy voice, your laugh, how matter-of-fact you are, the way you tell stories or answer questions in such an adult way... you're a fantastic kid. When you were a baby, Bub, it took what seemed like forever for you to get out of your "Mommy" phase and start liking me. This picture of us laying on the couch, as you can tell by my face, was probably the first time you let me cuddle you. I made Lindsay take a picture because I didn't know if you'd ever let me again! And now you're usually the first one to jump on me with a bear hug. You're just like your dad - a man's man, but with a sensitive heart. You will do great things, Dallin. I can't wait to watch. I love you.

Emma Memma,

I just imagined you doing your evil laugh and couldn't help but smile. You are a ham, just like your Aunt Sam. You make me laugh, and you're definitely my cuddliest of all the nieces and nephews, which I love! You're great at doing somersaults and flips off my stomach. You give me fabulous drawings, and always make me feel loved. We will always laugh together, lil Emma. I love you.

Claire, aka the Moon, aka Ludo, aka killer bunny,

You also are quite the character at only age 4, Claire Bear. You definitely have confidence and leadership qualities in you. You will one day run a business, I know it. You don't like to take no for an answer, and you can usually get your way just by saying something so adorable as: "Oh Tham, thith ith the betht day of my life!" as we're running to the playground, or "Oh! It thinkth I'm a monthter!" to a chubby rabbit that just wanted to escape your grasp. You pull the best funny faces, and have the best one-liners of any kid I know, Claire. You crack me up more than most adults do. I'm proud of the little lady you're becoming. I hope you continue to be so aggressive, but also as sweet as you are. I love you.

Jonathan,

Oh my chubby little red-headed nephew from my only brother, how I adore you. I'm so sad I only got to spend such a short time of your life with you so far, but I hope to have more time with you when you're older. I've always had fun with you every time we've been together, even though you are kind of still in that "parents only" phase. You're adorable, and your high-pitched squeals make me smile no matter what mood I'm in. You're at the explorer age now, and I love reading about the trouble you get into and the sweet ways you get out of it. I love you, Jonny.

That's it for my side. To all my nieces and nephews, you mean more to me than any of you will ever ever know. I'd do just about anything for each of you, and my only wish is that you all grow up to be healthy and happy. I'm always here for all of you, and hope you never forget that. Life will throw you lots of unexpected stuff, so handle it with guidance from your parents, prayer, and good humor. Be interested in others, instead of trying to make them interested in you. You'll make a lot more friends that way. :) Show off your talents, but remain humble. Never tell your parents you hate them, that's the most hurtful thing you could say and we all know you'd never really mean it, so just don't say it. Eat your fruits and veggies, but sneak a cookie every once in a while. Be honest in ALL things. Better to tell the truth and get in a little trouble, than lie and get glory you don't deserve. Help others every single chance you get. Laugh at yourself before others get a chance to. Take care of your teeth. Clean up your messes. Tell everyone you love that you love them as often as you can. Be yourself.

OK, enough for now, I suppose. I love you guys.

Well, I bet you thought this was done. HA! You don't have to keep reading, nobody's forcing you. This is more for me anyway. Can't forget Elise's side, because they have become like family, after all.

Jackson,

The thing that stands out most for me, Buddy, is your honesty. I've witnessed you get in trouble many times, but you always 'fess up to what you did, and admit when you've done something. You're an honest kid, and I can't tell you how much I admire that. You're an amazing singer, sports player, and entertainer. Ever since I first met you, you've loooved your own reflection and making people laugh. I love that about you. You always make me feel welcome and invite me to play your games or do whatever you're doing. You're growing up into a great young man, and I've loved watching you grow up. I love you, Jackson! P.S. You speak better Parseltongue than Harry Potter himself.

Azlin,

You intrigue me because you love gross, scary things, and you're such a brave girl. You're beautiful, sweet, funny, and smart. You're good with younger kids, and know how to entertain adults as well. I love your Hannah Montana performances and watching you play dress up with your cousin. Your imagination is so fresh and I'm excited to see what you do with it when you're older. I cherish your hugs every time I see you, and hope you always know I love you!

Jace,

The future marine-biologist/veterinarian/dragon-keeper. You have a gift of story-telling, Jacers. You talk so much, but the amazing thing is, you know what you're talking about! You know so much about animals, you teach me a ton! You have a great laugh, and you're just the sweetest little guy. I always look forward to talking to you every time we see each other, and I hope you never lose that wonderful quality. I love you!

Kylee,

Oh man, Pook, you are so full of energy, and you always make me smile. You could run around for hours, I love to watch you play soccer and dance with your Aunt Weese to crazy Britney Spears and whatever else is on your mom's "iPot." You're a great big sister and a sweet girl with a great sense of humor. I love you!

J.J.,

I have a video on my phone of me making you crack up a while back when Elise and I were babysitting you guys, and it never fails to make me laugh also. You have a contagious laugh, and the throwing arm of a pro, not even joking. This kid was born for sports. I love throwing around a ball with you, or playing Dungeon with you and Jace, your fierce growls and quick sprints keep me quite entertained. Although you're quite the man's man like your dad, you can also surprise me with sweet words and hugs. I love you, J.J.!

Baby Trey,

I met you when you were about an hour old, and I'm positive you'll follow in your brother's footsteps. You look exactly like your dad and brother to me, and although I don't know you well yet, I look forward to doing so. Ooja booja!

Bella,

My current favorite memory of you is the way you blow out dandelions, or should I say - eat them. You and your twin brother are always a joy to babysit because you two are always cracking me up. Everything you do is adorable. I love when you dance, march, sing, copy Rapunzel's spinning with her arms out when you watch "Tangled", run around with your cute big belly, and interact with Linc. You are independent, and constantly figure out how to do things on your own. You explore, lead, and you do it all while managing to steal the hearts of everyone you come across. I love you, Isabella!

Lincoln,

The other half of the twins, you also crack me up. I love everything about you from your white-blonde fauxhawk, to your incredible laugh. I loved the night when we all went on our adventure to the Real game in the rain, on the train, which you now tell mom you don't want to ride. I love it when something scares you because your scared face is priceless, and even though you can be a bit dramatic, you're a wonderful brother and you care about others; even little potato bugs on your driveway. I love you, Linc!

Family is the most important thing I have, and I'm lucky to have all these amazing kids in my life. Every one of you is unique and amazing in your own way. I love you all!

Ok, this post is done now. Promise.

It's been a while since I posted to my girl how much I appreciate her.

Elise -- thank you for being you. I cannot say that enough, and every time I say it, I mean it more. You make me better and I'm proud to call you mine.

L.A. can bring it. I'm ready because I have you.

LARP it up!

While jogging at Liberty Park two days ago, I passed the LARPers (Live Action Role Play), as I have done many a time on my strenuous exercise attempts there.

My first thought whenever I see them is how brave they are. My immediate next thought is what nerds they must be.

Aren't I sweet and totally non-judgmental?

These people, the ones who LARP out in public for the world to judge, the ones who go home and ace "Dungeons & Dragons" like it's a second grade spelling test, the ones who don't care what you think of them -- they are my new heroes.

I'd never have the guts to put on a robe and carry a shield out on the grass to fight a pretend battle that most passers-by will secretly laugh at. Even if I loved it. They have guts. One day, these people who I myself judged, will be the "cool" warriors in movies like "Lord of the Rings" or "Chronicles of Narnia." What then, Sam? Will I still be thinking they're nerds then? Nope. They're pretty rad, actually. Just practicing their craft, like everyone does, only they get crap for it.

Well, LARPers...to me -- you are nerds no more. Go do what you do.

(Obviously, the moral of this lesson is to be who you are and OWN it! Uhhh!)

-Sam

Monogomy??? What's that?!

Sam and I have some friends visiting from Eugene, Oregon. They happen to be in an open relationship. I think this can be taken many ways, so just to be clear, this isn't for sexual purposes specifically, although it is allowed. They hope to build intimate and good healthy relationships with other women while still maintaining and keeping focus on their relationship. I try to be an open-minded person and try not only to accept people for their decisions, but to also understand. This has been a little tricky for me to understand, but luckily they talk so openly about it I can ask all the questions I need, so I can get closer to understanding.
First off let me say I am traditional in the sense that I love a committed relationship. I love the idea of sacrificing other things for the person you love and have promised to be true to. Now, trying to keep my mind open to all points of view, people in an open relationship would probably argue they are still being true because the other is aware and it is a mutual agreement. Maybe I used the term "being true" in the wrong context, because it isn't cheating or being deceitful. What I'm getting down to is I like the idea of a monogomous relationship.
When I was discussing monogomy with one of these friends, she brought something to my attention. Monogomy is what we have been conditioned to believe. I completely agree. I know that attraction or chemistry to someone other than the person you are with is natural. Growing up you learn that monogomy is right so when you get into an open relationship it can be viewed as selfish, wrong or weak when it's human instict to have that attraction and act on those feelings. I agree with everything she said as far as that goes, BUT (there's always a but) I see something very special about commitment and sacrifice.
In the past 5 and a half years Sam and I have known each other, we have both had attractions toward other people. I think it's important to not be in denial of those feelings or to feel guilty for them because it's a natural thing. It's important to recognize those feelings for what they are but just that. Although I have had feelings for someone else while being in a relationship, I need to remember that this person can better my life and possibly be a friend if that's doable. It's even more important for me to remember why I am with Sam and what it meant to me when I committed myself to her. When I think of people I've been attracted to, they haven't held a candle to Sam. Not to say Sam is a better person, but Sam is better for me. Thinking about the people I've met in my life, no one is more compatible for me than Sam. I'm so glad I can be true to her (there's that phrase again) and show her how much I love her by sacrificing potential romantic relationships with other people. I think it makes us stronger and it constantly reminds me how perfect she is for me - that's not saying we don't have A LOT to work on.
I love my Oregon friends and if an open relationship works for them, then I stand behind them. I just know I couldn't let go of jealousy, guilt and resentment. I might be old school but I love being monogomous. I love you baby.